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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2020 6:36:36 GMT -7
I'm checking in, day 126. No P, no MB. But thoughts and looks of lust? Well, not so good these past couple of days. I've been lusting a lot. It's time to read my Bible. 😩 The Bible is #1. Proverbs 5 -7. Check out the book called the Strategy of Satan by Warren Wiersbe
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Post by savedbygrace on Apr 8, 2020 8:47:18 GMT -7
The last few days, that's exactly where I've been in Proverbs!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 8, 2020 21:04:23 GMT -7
Hi everyone. I'm checking in at day 127. I'm still not keeping good custody of my eyes and mind today. But I did read my Bible and called a phone buddy.
Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. She turns 9. We had a cake and lots of presents.
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javajake
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Post by javajake on Apr 9, 2020 7:24:58 GMT -7
Happy Birthday youngest daughter! I'm right there with you Kevin. I keep having to say no to my eyes and mind. I just need to do it quicker and not linger. The Word of God is our sword. I need to get several verses memorized and start speaking them out loud when my eyes and mind do this. Amy brought this to my attention in SBG's post.
Battle on brother! Remember. We win in the end!
127 awesome!!!
21 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. 22 For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. 23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin. Romans 7:21-25 (NKJV)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2020 17:46:49 GMT -7
Calling someone is such a big step. The enemy will give us a million excuses why calling will inconvenience the other person or they won't be available or they won't care but it the end it's a humbling and rewarding experience. Our allies are there for a reason - good choice and good call!
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 20, 2020 18:40:26 GMT -7
Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've been on BG. I've been very socially anorexic lately. Sorry. I'm feeling down with all this Covid 19 impact.
On currently on day 139. Through some miracle, I haven't acted out. The desire to has been there just about everyday.
I've been reading my Bible everyday now. And having Covenant Eyes on my phone has certainly helped.
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Post by savedbygrace on Apr 21, 2020 6:42:14 GMT -7
Thanks to God for bringing you this far!!! This is a very unsettling time for us all. Continue those good things you are doing... God is with you and He will bring you safely through to the other side (meaning when things become more normal again!).
Praying for you and for all of us here.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2020 18:47:07 GMT -7
Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've been on BG. I've been very socially anorexic lately. Sorry. I'm feeling down with all this Covid 19 impact. On currently on day 139. Through some miracle, I haven't acted out. The desire to has been there just about everyday. I've been reading my Bible everyday now. And having Covenant Eyes on my phone has certainly helped. Hello Kevin, remember the look with lust is the key. I haven't acted out but am guilty of looking with lust so it's the same sin of adultery in Jesus' eyes according to Matthew 5:27-30. The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. Proverbs 15:3 NIV my.bible.com/bible/111/PRO.15.3.NIVBack in Genesis we can see Noah found favor. The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. Proverbs 15:3 NIV my.bible.com/bible/111/PRO.15.3.NIVNow the Devil is smart (God made him that way and the Devil rebelled) anyway. So the Devil will tell you about Bible verses like David who fell with Bathsheeba and Samson who visits a prostitute all the other countless stories of believers messing it up. Be like David in that he was called a friend of God Be like Samson in that God used him mightly for Isreal ..but don't allow Satan to say "Hey, it's just one look and God eventually let David go to heaven". ..but don't allow Satan to say "Hey, you can visit a prostitute (porn is prostitution if you see it that way), you know God will forgive you and let you go to heaven. You have to rebuke the Devil and say verses like The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. Proverbs 15:3 NIV In the name of Jesus, I command that evil spirit of lust to go away because the Bible says "the eyes of the Lord are watching over the good and the wicked" If you do that and believe that, meaning in God's hearing of your prayer and God's power in His Own Word. The Devil has to run can't stand to hear God's Word. And you will see the difference in your thoughts, and your body will follow.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2021 11:55:50 GMT -7
I don't know how to start with this. I going to say that I'm simply broken. All of my life, I've been guilty of enjoying lust and fornication. Even as a young toddler as early as 3 years old.
You guys have all watched me over the previous years do everything in my own power to try to stop watching porn. You've seen me at some of my best times as well as some of my worst.
I thought I was making progress, but last October, after 293 days of white knuckling, I finally broke down and committed a huge relapse.
And it was the best moment of my life. Seriously. Words cannot describe the amazing feeling I get when I act out.
I don't want to stop. For me, this was what life was worth living for.
I know that I'm jeopardizing my relationships with God, my wife, my family. That I'm jeopardizing my financial security. And I'm jeopardizing my own health and well-being. And I don't care. None of that mattered enough. I want to act out.
By some miracle, the Holy Spirit must have moved me away from this for long enough for me to examine my life.
It was then that I realized that there was no greater power, no greater force in the entire world then this desire inside me to fornicate.
I'm broken... Broken
And this power to fornicate inside me has been with me all my life. I cannot lie anymore. I cannot fake myself into thinking that I've got this under control. Doing all of these things to try to stop. Joining forums, going to 12 step meetings like SA, SAA, SLAA, RU, CR. I've done them all. Going to counseling, using Covenant Eyes. Blocking all the porn from myself. Reading lots of books including the Bible, memorizing scripture, getting accountability groups, working on my To-Do list, and so on and so on. And some of these things are really good, but I must admit that I'm not better off than I was before I started on this journey.
Now I'm not giving up. I will always get back up. I've done this relapse, get back up, relapse, try again for 30 years.
But I'm broken.... broken.
I remember one time saying, "All the stuff I've tried to stop my fornicating was just as bad and harmful as my addiction."
I'll say it again.
All the stuff I've tried to do to stop my acting out has been just as bad as my acting out.
I'm broken... broken
And that's exactly where God wants me to be.
He wants me to get broken, and stay broken.
He wants me to get off my high horse, swallow my pride, humble myself, exit this body of mine, and make way for the Holy Spirit to come in and do His job.
For much of my life, I believed that my greatest defect of character was my desire to fornicate. Over time, I felt God pretty indifferent about my sobriety and my acting out. He just didn't care about my sobriety. He took care of all of my sin on the cross. And I'll take time reiterate another post.
But I am now thoroughly convinced that God considers my greatest defect of character to be my own pride.
This same pride in me justifies my fornication and allows me to take it to a higher level then it should ever go.
This pride in me tries to do a bunch of fleshy things to stop the behavior. And then displays it for everyone to see with a kind of arrogance that says ,"Look at me now! I've conquered this! I've got the answer!" What a pompous Know-it-all I've been.
I don't know anything and I have no power. I've done the 12 step meetings for over 15 years of my life and I, along with others, can't seem to grasp the importance of steps 1,2,3,5,6,7,11, and 12. Still trying to use fleshy strategies to rid of this on my own power.
And speaking of power, I wanted to discuss the concept of higher power. Many in the 12 step community dislike the idea of God. So they come up with various higher powers; the group, mother nature, laws of physics, their dog, or a doorknob.
Well, speaking for myself, this desire to fornicate myself is so tremendously greater than anything I've ever encountered in this world. I'm going to need a lot more power than a collective group of people or a doorknob. I'm going to need some outside of this world, outside of this universe, supernatural, real power.
I need Jesus, and if He doesn't show up in a big way in my life than I'm done. I don't stand a chance.
RU principle 8 states
It is not possible to fight a fleshly temptation with fleshly weapons
Jesus refers himself as the vine and we are the branches. If we abide in Him, we'll bear much fruit. But if do not abide in Him, we are cast off, we dry up, and we are gathered up and burned. Without Him, we can do nothing. He wasn't lying.
I have been reading the Bible more. Actually I've just been listening to it. I've got this audio Wonder Bible that I've been listening to in my car.
And I've been tithing. The Word says where my treasure is, that's where my heart will be also.
I'm concentrating on abiding with the Shepherd. He is a good shepherd. And if I don't abide with him, I simply return to my old master, sin. And sin is a horrible terrible master, though I don't usually see that. Sin is a worse prison than the worst prison in North Korea.
The Bible talks about separating the sheep with the goats. What's the difference?
Sheep are easier to keep together. They stay in their flock, and they come to their master when called.
Goats are more stubborn, independent, curious, and get into a lot more trouble. It's very difficult to herd goats.
And I'm guilty of being a curious, wandering, stubborn, proud goat.
If Jesus is to be my master, I'm to be his slave, his doulos. That's different than a diaconos in that a doulos never leaves his master. He never punches out. He stays by his side every second. I must admit that even recently, I have not done the perfect job of that. But God has been faithful enough to give me grace each day.
I know that now because I've stopped white-knuckling. God has been showing up. It's better this way.
As far as sobriety, all that I can share with you right now is that I'm sober today. And it's only by the grace of God. And that's all that I can share because if I share anymore then it's coming from pride and that's not good. But what does that really mean? It just means that I've not done any physical acts of fornication. But my mind is filthy, my eyes are full of lust, and my heart is black. I'm still a cheater at heart.
Yet God still draws near to me calls me his own.
There's so much on my mind and heart that I want to share. There's not enough time. But I will continue to post. I'll try my best.
It's very encouraging to see all of you still here working on yourselves wanting to be better. I look forward to the days and months to come. God bless you all. Thank you
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2021 4:46:46 GMT -7
Hello brother, thank you for your heart honest share. I know what you mean about falling after a good time of sobriety. Even we have technical worldly sexual sobriety, the Lord looks at the heart. Yes, amen.
I have not had a pure heart today or any day. I have dreams, daily wrong sexual thoughts that linger. I confess it too.
There is a pride in us that is hard to see. Like the Pharisees were proud because they outwardly looked clean but inwardly were dirty. Jesus called them out on their hyporcrisy.
It's very cleaning and healthy to admit we are corrupt. Paul also considered himself a chief of sinners, and knew his own sinfulness. Romans 7.
There is a part of me that gets jealous when I see a brother or sister seemingly better off than me. By the time I get jealous, I'm too late. I know Jesus doesn't want me to get jealous.
I know what you mean by recovery circles of 12 step. I did SA a while back and continued to act out and lose sponsors etc. After meetings I would act out. I was deep in sin. One thing I hated about 12 step meetings was that they told me, get rid of your god for a new one.
I was deeply offended at this and some who said this claimed to be christian. I thought wait I believe in Jesus, why do I need to get a new god, it's not Jesus' fault that I'm stuck in sin and secrecy. Yes, they were right that what I was doing was not working, but I wasn't doing it right.
Yes, I went to church Yes, I read the bible at church
But I was still deep in my sins.
My story is that I had to get tested for STDs and AIDS because I was doing things and putting my wife at risk.
My wife [at that time] when I told her, she left me, taking all our children. This was my broken rock bottom experience.
I visited a drug addiction counselor who was also a Pastor. He said that I looked dead in my eyes. I knew it already. I felt dead.
He opened the Holy Bible and told me to read this...and left me. I read where it says that God had power to raise the dead.
I got on my face, all alone in the church, and wept my eyes out. It was not just action, it was my heart being open to God. I confessed to God how I hated everything, the hypocrisy, the lies, and sickness of me, and my sin, how I hurt my dear wife, and was completely alone. I just confessed my adultery and wanted to be made whole again, no matter what.
God reminded me of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Not in a Bible story way, but in my minds eyes, in my heart, I saw and really believed, that even though I was a prostitute at heart, that God still loved me, it made me feel so unworthy but I believed in Jesus. I believed it was His love for me that he suffered on the cross. It was a Bible story happening in my mind. I could see Jesus suffering in pain. Jesus bleeding and crying.
It was all the passion of Christ. Jesus on the cross. A dark place. In agony, showing me that He was doing this for me. To show me who God really was. A self-sacrificing God of love...that truly exists for the sinner.
I got up from that prayer time,,living at a brothers house. My brother asked me to read the Holy Bible, 3 chapters a day and I could read the Holy Bible.
Today, I'm better,I'm not watching porn,or committing physical adultery, but when I think in lust I do commit adultery. If I were to measure my days of no lust, it might be one or two days. But on the outside, to 12 steps groups, they are concerned for sexual sobriety and progressive victory over lust. Jesus is the Only way, and the answer is in Jesus. The church can help more than sexual recovery groups, secular ones.
Dear Jesus, please help us men to realize how much we need You. Lord, thank you for my brother. Please continue to use him for your glory. Please help us to learn about your grace and let us learn how to turn away from our sinful natures. Jesus please help us to think of women as children of God and not as objects for sex. Please de-program our minds. We give you our minds. LORD please take control and fill us with Your Holy Spirit. We can't do a thing unless you do it through us. Lord. Please help us brothers and sisters to be holy for you. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 23, 2021 7:14:20 GMT -7
Thank you @dominicm.
That was a great prayer.
Everything that you've done, I've done as well.
I can certainly relate to being jealous and envious of those around me. I'm particularly referring to people in my recovery circles that seem to be doing better sobriety wise.
And I still see pride as being encouraged in the world. We look up and idolize people who are famous, rich, and successful, we strive to be like them. We hand out awards for achievements including sobriety. Although, I'm not really against awards.
It's just that I rarely see even step one being practiced. I'm at a point, that I'm really powerless. I can't say no to the first thought or look of lust, much less than second or the third or the 5th or the 8th.
It's time that I must decrease so that Christ can increase.
And God is big. He's bigger than all of this. He's so big, that he can take a guy like me that's weak with lust and still shine.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 23, 2021 13:20:41 GMT -7
Through my pride, I gave myself permission to commit and justify my fornication.
Through my pride, I tried to eradicate the sexual sin through my own flesh.
Through my pride, I convinced myself that I was actually walking in the spirit. But I wasn't. I've been guilty of walking in the flesh constantly throughout most of my life.
Although, there have been points in my life where I was doing better in this area. As I read through former posts of mine, the evidence of this was there.
as I mentioned before, God really doesn't give a flying hoot about my sobriety. I mean, I'm still lusting all day. I can't keep custody of my eyes. During that last long stretch of sobriety that I had, I was consumed with lust and thinking about fornicating all the time.
If you ask someone like my wife, she would have one word to describe all of this, CHEATING.
So for God, keeping track of days of sobriety is not all that important when I'm still guilty of lust. Don't get me wrong. I'm going to be very happy and celebrate for those that achieve a certain amount of days. Just for me, my pride is a very ugly thing to God. He hates my pride.
It says in God's word to walk in the spirit and you won't gratify the lusts of the flesh. And my flesh is very weak. My flesh is going to do what my flesh is going to do.
So how do I walk in the spirit? By staying close to Jesus, the shepherd, the Vine. He wasn't lying when he said without me, you can do nothing.
There's a hymn that's titled
I need thee everyday 🎶
Actually, that's not right. It's
I need thee every hour 🎶
And that's true. I need the Lord every hour, every minute, every second of my life. And I've checked out from God's presence a multitude of times.
Jesus said, he that is not with me is against me, and he that gathers not with me, scatters abroad.
That's me, the wandering scattering goat.
It's time for me to be a sheep. It's better that way.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2021 20:35:26 GMT -7
I know what you mean about people idolizing others who have so many days/months/years of sexual sobriety...it's how the world measures their success. It's very limited because anyone can say "I'm a grateful recovering sexaholic, I got xyz day/months/years and I'm learning about step 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 etc... and my sponsor told me that I need to .......and I have learned how to better ......" and people all reply as "nice share man" and they get kudos for "working the program"...
I was a part of that for many years, it really made me "want" to be able to say what they were saying and "how" they were saying it. I bought the SA Whitebook, quoted from it, shared my ESH (experience, strength, and hope), and whenever someone replied with a good reply, it boosted my self-esteem and made me feel good, it made me feel like I was "working" the program and being "blameless" in the sight of the members there. It's a part of me that "wants attention" from others, even those who were like me, a sex addict.
In the recovery circles, they told me very offensive things like "you had better fire that @#$@#$@#$ you call g-d and get yourself a new one"..and these were quote unquote "Christian?!" members telling me this? I was shocked. How did that match to what the Bible says?
It doesn't. plain and simple.
I learned this from just reading the Bible, this is what I learned. Jesus said "Go into all the world and preach the gospel and make desciples teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you"
So I made a choice, was I going to follow the world's way to get "sexually sober" a term that really just means (I stopped acting out by porn and masturbation, which is sex with self, which is lust, which is adultery, a spiritual problem, yet they (world) claim the answer is a spiritual one, yet they claim to have the answer, a connetion to a higher power, who is not the Lord Jesus Christ)......or do I find out who this God really is, the Lord Jesus Christ, when Jesus said "not everyone who says to me Lord Lord will enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of the Father in heaven..and I will declare unto them I never knew you, depart from me you workers of lawlessness" ...the Jesus that says "Judge not lest you also be judged" the Jesus that says "Come unto me and I will give you rest" the Jesus that says "anyone who comes to the Son the Son will in no way turn away" the Jesus who says "take my yoke and learn of me"....
I right away reject all worldy hope, recovery programs, unless they were going to admit the Jesus Christ was Lord, and the only way to get not only sexually sobriety, but a new heart, something the world can never ever give anyone, except that Jesus makes them born again and forgiven and put back on the right path the path of doing what is right in God's eyes.
Even, wordly circles told me, "dominic, you are too narrow minded that Jesus is the only way, because there are many others not christian yet have more sobriety than you".....I was like "yes, it's true, these other muslims, or buddhists, might have more "technical sobriety" than me.....but.... I was lost....
Do I really know Jesus Christ? I think so. Is it because I have 1 day, 1 month, or 1 year or many years? that could be a sign, but that is not the test, the test if I know Jesus Christ is found in the Bible.
This is how I examine myself.
Do I manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit? Honestly, I admit no, but doesn't the Holy Spirit fill me or show me or help me, I say yes, so why do I say no that I don't manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit? It's because just me, I'm a selfish, angry, jealous, prideful, lustful person, and I'm not bragging about me being super humble, I not even humble. maybe this post i'm already in pride. I don't know.
Jesus did say, "by their fruits you will know them" and Jesus also said "judge not lest you be judged" so how so I put these together? Jesus said "remove the log from your own eye first then you will be able to remove the speck from their eyes"
so we have all logs of sin somewhere.
is the log of pride bigger than the log of porn masturbation? maybe, I don't know the size of logs but we have to understand principle and when I say this, I'm saying it to myself. I not trying to teach you without applying the same to me, because that is like a form of hypocrisy, I'm not God to tell others what to do, just a guy who is trying to live out the Christian life, not depending on my self, but asking God for help and speaking to you in a clear conscience. Still only God knows my true motives and hidden sins.
I can't say what is the answer, except that we follow the scripture,
Proverbs 28:13 'he who hides his sins will not be successful, but he who confesses and forsakes them.
We acknowledge our sins, but how do we forsake them?
examples of this are seen in the Bible, some early believers burned their sorcery books.
We can burn our wicked books, sites, contacts, intentions, iphone/android, video games, music, movies, and whatever is taking your time away from spending it with God in prayer, bible reading, etc. Also Internet.
If you absolutely need the internet, you can use it with accoutability, this is how I think, still I have broken wifi at home a few times but still came back to it, so what did I need? honesty to my wife and her accoutability. It was painful, but in the light of what I did to her, in light of me trying everything possible to earn back her trust, I had to do these changes, but before I could do these changes, I needed a right-relationship with God.
By a right relationship with God, I mean, trusting in Jesus Christ as your whole soul, life, sobriety depends on it, and a promise to God that I will not do it, I will not lust anymore, I will not secret contact any women, I will not live unholy, and I can't do it Jesus unless you empower me, I am totally lost and depending on you.
In my story, what made me broken was seeing the tortue and pain of those I loved because of my sins. My God was tortured - Jesus Christ, not only that, my wife was tortured, my kids were and it was all because of me.....who selfish and evil I am. I'm hell-deserving, and God doesn't want that for me or anyone but we make our choices and we pay the price for our sins.
1 Co 10:13 our temptation is common to man.
Let's look at two examples.
Joseph ran away from Potifar's wife and said "How can I do this wicked thing and sin against God"
This was a man who didn't even hear about all that we know but even his society was so wicked (same like today) where adultery was rapant. He (joseph) knew enough about God that He didn't want to offend God, so this is where the focus should be, we do not want to offend God.
God didn't create my body to be used for porn and masturbation. He told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.
But what if she (my wife) isn't in the mood? Do we have a Bible example? Yes.
Where does the Bible say a man can wait long periods of time and have no sex?
Joseph in the New Testament didn't know his wife Mary until after Jesus was born.
That is what scripture says. Joseph.
That had got to speak volumes.
Here is a man who was married, knew "I'm married to my wife, who is with child, and I have to wait, but this wait is worth it, the Son of God was going to be born, so I will wait"
Now He could have said "hey women, this is my marital duty, let's have sex, I mean your already pregnant, and it's not going to hurt anything" NO, Joseph did not say that. He waited.
Can you and I wait for 9 months if we are married? Honestly, honestly?
If we are married, we are begging our wife for sex a lot and when she is on her period, probably even asking 'hey babe' can you uhhh, give me some help here?
We are really (I am sick) sick.
Our sexual immorality is so deep, it needs spiritual surgery, which is crying out to God for a new heart and a new mind. And when we feed our soul the Word of God and worship Him, all of it works together to make us men of God, that we should be.
And a man of God is not put on a pedastal like "Oh look at Saint AAAAA or Saint BBBB, and how he was such a ...."no, we just see that it was God (like Joseph in the OT and Joseph in the NT) worked through them.
The Bible says that these men were just like us (1 Co 10:13).
Elijah also was a man like us but in prayer God listened to his prayer to stop the rain.
It's our faith.
I'm in the same boat like you. As a fellow man and fellow brother and what I wrote I say first to myself, not speaking down, not sounding "holier than thou" no way man. I'm not worthy and Jesus is the Only Good and Holy One.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 24, 2021 5:46:18 GMT -7
Thank you @irpu,
I appreciate your sharing.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 24, 2021 5:47:45 GMT -7
I just wanted to share that God has been very faithful in my life these past few days. It's been good.
And it's been good to be back on this forum after being AWOL for a few months.
I appreciate all of you here.
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