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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2015 4:39:58 GMT -7
KevinesKay, Hang in there and keep fighting the battles everyday, sometimes they are every hour. You are not alone. Although Satan holds great power our God is even stronger and the prophetic outcome has already been told - he is cast into the Lake of Fire. Good work on your sober time but focus not so much on the record as in the depth of your relationship to God. Several thoughts come to my mind as I read your posts. [*]In response to your tablet or any device that trips you up: Have you used Covenant Eyes? It is about the best filter/accountability software out there but granted, it is not full proof to the most technologically savvy. [/*][*]When Jesus said "And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away..." or "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away..." (from Matthew chapter 5) he meant for us to do whatever it takes to keep from sinning. He didn't literally mean to do these things. I have had friends that have destroyed multiple computers/laptops/tablets in order to get over or past the temptation. In most cases they were successful. If you need them for work it is admittedly more difficult to deal with, but what is most important in your life and salvation? I lost my job and career over porn use on company computers. [/*][*]Without the intercession of God the father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit we can do little if anything to get out of the strangle hold of porn. The more immersed in the word you can be the better, despite what anyone else says or how they may belittle the affect of this. I found enrolling in the free SettingCaptivesFree.com was a tremendous help. I got through the 60-day course in 64 days and a few friends I directed to the program took up to 100-days to get through. It is at your own pace but they suggest a lesson a day. [/*][*]Self-help books are good and have their place such as Mike Genung's The Road to Grace and many others, several of which I have read, but I find that books on scripture and the Gospel message to be most helpful such as "A Gospel Primer for Christians" by Milton Vincent, or "95 Theses for Pure Reformation" by Mike Cleveland. In these I learn that "there is now no condemnation" and how to forgive and be forgiven and many other practical biblical truths to a porn addicts ability to achieve and maintain freedom.[/*][*]The process of Sanctification is a journey and takes time. It doesn't usually happen overnight, it takes effort and work, it take reflection and meditation especially after each fall along with on-going confession and repentance, it takes lots of prayer, lots of patience, and most of all it take a lot of belief that God is present, listening, and acting for your good in your daily life. [/*][*]As for your wife, intimacy and closeness return after trust is restored to her "safe-level" which varies from person to person. You need to help establish that Safe harbor by being transparent, open, above reproach, and being prayerful for her and together with her. [/*] There is so much more that can or should be said but if you are like me you will drown in the barrage of well intended words and support. It is better to focus on a few things and work on them. Blessings and peace to you through a brother together with Christ who can make all things happen, Nikanor
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 19, 2015 14:22:15 GMT -7
Thank you, Nikanor. You mentioned some great points. I really appreciate your prayers and support.
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KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 19, 2015 14:32:23 GMT -7
I found a boundary sheet I made for myself a few years ago. I updated it, and I would like to share it with all of you. Inner Circle [*]No using pornography. That includes soft-core (such as Playboy) and hardcore magazines, videos, pictures, and computer generated images or internet pornography. [/*]
[*]No entering of adult bookstores or the adult section of any video store. [/*]
[*]No entering strip joints of any kind. That includes lingerie bars as well. [/*]
[*]No using of escort services. [/*]
[*]No using of street prostitutes. [/*]
[*]No paying a woman for any kind of sexual gratification. [/*]
[*]No entering massage parlors. [/*]
[*]No using phone sex services. [/*]
[*]No deliberate acts of voyeurism such as window peeping or looking under skirts. [/*]
[*]No taking advantage of opportunities to perform indecent liberties on women without their approval. [/*]
[*]No raping women or having sex with them without proper consent. [/*]
[*]No having sex with anyone other than your wife. [/*]
[*]No attending events places that are notorious for having a lot of sexual energy and tension such as Mardi Gras, Nudes-a-Poppin, or Fantasy Fest. [/*]
[*]No deliberate acts of exhibitionism. [/*]
[*]Refrain from masturbation. [/*] Middle Circle [*]No cruising or patrolling. That means no driving or walking the streets hoping to spot street prostitutes. No driving around for no reason. Plan ahead where you’re driving to before you get in your car. [/*]
[*]No strolling. That means no walking around with or without the dog to spot opportunities to act out (i.e. peek into windows). [/*]
[*]No peeking into neighbors’ windows as you’re walking or driving down the street. [/*]
[*]Avoid using the computer/internet early in the morning or late at night when your wife is sleeping. Limit usage to an hour per day. [/*]
[*]Avoid watching TV early in the morning or late at night when your wife is sleeping. Limit watching TV to an hour per day. [/*]
[*]Limit playing video games to an hour per day. [/*]
[*]Don’t carry around too much cash. No more than $100.00 is sufficient. [/*]
[*]Stay away from places, environments, or people that are known triggers for your addiction. [/*]
[*]Do not keep pornography in your home. No security stashes allowed. [/*]
[*]Limit watching movies to one per week. [/*]
[*]Don’t read literature that is overly and inappropriately sexually explicit and will trigger your addiction. [/*]
[*]Avoid movies that contain a lot of inappropriate sexual scenes, situations, and energy. [/*]
[*]Stay away from certain sections of the bookstore or library such as the photography or sex sections. [/*]
[*]Be financially responsible and live within your means. [/*]
[*]Don’t flirt with women other than your wife. Don’t give them the wrong impression that you’re willing to have something more than a brotherly friendship with them. [/*]
[*]Try to maintain a stress-free lifestyle. [/*]
[*]Stay out of bars and night clubs.[/*]
[*]Avoid violent forms of entertainment such as boxing, "big-time" wrestling, and violent TV shows or movies. Instead, learn to trust God when He says, "Vengeance is mine," and leave it at that.[/*] [*]Refrain from any lust and fantasy as much as you can. Don’t get legalistic about it. Focus on loving yourself, God, your wife, and others in healthy ways. Refrain from these behaviors with a positive attitude and looking forward to the learning experience of enjoying everything that God has in store for you. And if you do fall into lusting or fantasizing, do take measures to regroup yourself and get back on track.[/*]
Outer Circle
Get up early to start your daily routine. Usually, 5:00 A.M. is sufficient. Make sure you get enough sleep to accommodate this.
Eat healthy and nutritious.
Brush and floss your teeth each day.
Shower everyday.
Drink at least 80 ounces of water every day.
Shave everyday.
Wear nice clean clothes everyday.
Keep your home relatively clean.
Get your hair cut every six weeks.
Work out with your weights at least 4 times per week.
Play your guitar at least 2 times per week.
Go to church every Sunday.
Call at least 2 friends every week.
Call at least 1 family member every week.
Actively work your program. Don’t just talk about it. Don’t come into a meeting empty-handed or with some emotional “garbage†to dump on the table. Make it a goal to continually demonstrate to yourself, to God, and to others that you’re actively working on your program and on your challenges.
Follow your To-Do List everyday. Work to get at least 30 points each week.
Review/Revise your 3-circles boundary sheet every 3 months and have others inspect it.
Keep a positive attitude. Acknowledge and be grateful for all the good gifts that God has given you. Exercise, develop, and appreciate these gifts as opposed to feeling sorry and pitiful for what you don’t have.
Practice the habit of saving money to rid yourself of debt, buy a home, and prepare for retirement.
It’s okay to appreciate a woman’s physical beauty. But furthermore, learn to appreciate a woman more for who she is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually rather than just focusing on her physical attributes.
Maintain a home environment that is peaceful, calm, simple, and serene.
Take the first 10 minutes of each day and the last 10 minutes before you go to bed to pray to God thanking and praising him, interceding for others, and asking for help and forgiveness.
Learn to genuinely give love to others without expecting anything in return.
Do something fun with your children at least 1 time per week.
Spend some quality time with your wife at least 2 times per week. Work on maintaining a healthy spiritual, emotional, and physical relationship with her.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2015 0:24:03 GMT -7
Sorry that my long post of boundaries didn't show up right the first time.
The inner circle consists of things that are considered acting out and loss of sobriety.
The middle circle consists of things that may not be loss of sobriety, but are still things I need to avoid.
The outer circle consists of things that I need to push myself to do. This is probably the most challenging part and where the real battle is.
17 days so far, had a close call last night, but, by the grace of God, I'm still sober.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2015 3:44:25 GMT -7
KevinesKay, Thank the Lord he gave you strength and courage to fight temptation Friday night. How has the battle gone in the nights since? It is a battle to fight the temptation or the "burn" as it has sometimes been called. It takes grit and determination to win to overcome the temptation and remain pure. Sometimes you just have to cry out to God and pray for deliverance, phone a friend who knows your battle and will talk you back to purity, or look at some meaningful piece of religious or Gospel art to get your mind going a better direction. There are many things you can do to fight but have a few weapons always at the ready and know when and how to deploy them. Great list - mind if I use it with my group of guys? My group reconnected last night with five of us in attendance. I have been seeking God in how to deal with only one showing up the last few weeks and he answered by bringing more to the group including one who hadn't been in attendance for several months. Most of the guys last night said they slipped over the past few weeks and realized how important the group is. Anyway, keep up the good fight and I hope you make it to 25 days and way beyond. Nikanor,
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 21, 2015 15:13:41 GMT -7
Nikanor, you are most welcome to share my boundary sheet with others in your group. Although, everyone's boundaries have differences, these might give some ideas so that they can work on their own. Hope this helps.
I'm going to check into that settingcaptivesfree site that you mentioned previously. I bet I will like it. Thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2015 3:42:08 GMT -7
KevinesKay, Thanks !! I wish you success and joy as you work through SCF. I went on after the purity series to do The Cross, then on to do the Mentorship training. Through all the lessons but particularly the first I gained a love for Bible reading. The Bible held more interest and meaning to me than it ever had before. Each SCF lesson takes about 40 minutes or more to complete so it is a bit of a task to get through 60-days but hang in there and persevere. You'll get assigned an on-line mentor who will read your lesson responses - a guy who has been through his own recovery from porn use or worse. You can assign your own accountability partners to follow your lesson responses too - I encourage you to find two guys. Ask at your local church if need be. I used my uncle and my best friend after I confessed to each of them about my habit and loss of my job and how I treated them rudely and selfishly. Two years latter it has been a blessing to all three of us. You can set your own pace, it is free, and it is very biblically saturated and sound. I'll be anxious to hear what you think of it. Good Luck and blessings to you,Nikanor
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 23, 2015 23:55:22 GMT -7
It's been a while since I've been able to get on this post. I wanted to share with all of you on how well the Love Dare is going. I'm still doing it, just need to give you updates.
First, one challenge encouraged me to greet my wife in a more special way. I decided that when I greet my wife, I will hold her longer or give her a nice compliment.
Another challenge was to demonstrate unconditional love by doing something out of the ordinary for her. I chose to give her a foot rub out of the blue, which she in turn asked for me to massage her arm because it was experiencing pain.
Next, I was to demonstrate that I cherish her by meeting a need for her. A chose to offer to pick up our son from the movies and drop off his friends so that she could go home to have some time for herself.
Then, in order let her win, yesterday, when my wife asked me to put away the pots, I chose to do it right away as opposed to waiting until I get back from work. Instead of trying to argue out of the chore, I mentioned that I'm choosing to put her preference first.
Today's dare challenges me to fight fair when arguing with my wife. I'm choosing from now on to listen first, before reacting. I'm also choosing to keep my voice down and not yell.
Well, gotta go now, even I have much more on my mind to share. 20 days so far.:-) Thanks for reading and praying everyone.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 25, 2015 0:04:42 GMT -7
OK folks, it's time to show you my to do list
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 Clean 1 1 1 Workout Outreach 1 1 1
So far, much better than ever. 27 points. Amazing. Now, if I can only start working out again, it will be perfect.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 25, 2015 1:28:35 GMT -7
Throughout my recovery over the past 20 years, I've been a chronic relapser. In my first year, I mentioned something in my 12 step SAA meeting.
"My sobriety is not an ultimate measurement of my recovery."
I really didn't know how true that statement was.
Later on, in 2004, I started a weekly to do list similar to the one I'm doing now. And showed it each week to the members of my SLAA meeting.
I recognized that even if I don't stop acting out, at least I can start living my life. God was showing me that he didn't care about my sobriety. He's already dealt with the sin on the cross. I need to move on past the sobriety game, a focus on my outer circle.
I had the privilege of taking part in a combined effort with SAA and SLAA to have a meeting at a youth treatment center. Well, I was still relapsing after streches of sobriety lasting weeks or months. As I was sharing about my frustration and feelings of failure during my last acting out episode in this youth meeting, one of the kids piped up in his own sharing. He said to me that they have an old saying.
"Stop counting the days and start making them count."
I was honestly not happy that this kid was giving me unsolicited feedback. I mean here I am demonstrating good recovery by being honest and here's this bratty kid telling me to stop counting the days and start making them count. I didn't appreciate the comment at the time.
But that kid's words stuck with me for the rest of my life. As I started working on my to do list with God and my group, my resentment decreased and my life changed. I was actually able to achieve over 2 years of sobriety including 6 months sobriety from masturbation.
Enter my marriage to my second wife. Due to her issues, she was unable to allow me to continue to go to my 12 step meetings. For 8 years, I've harbored feelings of resentment toward her because I had to give up my support system to choose her. I've felt trapped and depressed. I've lost my friends. And I've felt that way for 8 years,
Until 3 weeks ago...
These last weeks, I'm not only sober from all my inner circle behaviors, including masturbation. But it's been quality sobriety. I've developing myself spiritually, and taking better care of myself.
These last 3 weeks, as sub par as they are, have been the best 3 weeks I've had in 8 years.
I feel that I have my support system back. At least a dozen people are viewing my posts every day. Knowing I have your prayers and support, I feel less alone.
I will keep showing you my to do list every week. I feel assured that you will pray for me, and encourage me through this process.
I no longer feel depressed.
I no longer feel trapped.
I no longer feel afraid that I will lose my sobriety, or that it is based on a roll of the dice.
I'm back. KevinesKay is back.
And I'm here to stay.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. May the Lord bless you all.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2015 8:32:19 GMT -7
KevinesKay, Praise God and hooray!!! If our chief purpose in life is to give glory to God and to find joy in Him, then you are indeed doing well. Glad to hear the joy and zest in your words. You inspire me. Keep it up and I will indeed keep praying for you. Nikanor,
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 26, 2015 0:37:54 GMT -7
Thanks Nikanor.
I haven't started the setting captives free course yet. I'm choosing to focus on my to do list and the Love Dare. But I do feel that God wants me to get involved with that. When I start, would you consider being one of my accountability partners?
For the love dare, yesterday I chose to take delight in my wife by neglecting to work on my online IRA stock positions to instead spend some time talking with her while she was making us dinner in the kitchen. I offered to help, but said she didn't any help. Then she asked if I could go to the store to get something. And so I did.
Today's dare challenges me to do something that shows honor and respect for my wife that is above my normal routine. I'll let you know how that goes.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 26, 2015 14:11:34 GMT -7
For my love dare challenge, I chose to post a Facebook announcement communicating how much I love, honor, and respect my wife.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 26, 2015 14:19:20 GMT -7
Why not to masturbate
We all know that there is a lot of misinformation going around about masturbation. It's been a stumbling block for me. For most of my years, I just threw masturbation in my middle circle and left it at that. However, one day in 2005, I felt like I was truly getting a fix and a high after one episode. I made a decision to stop completely, at least for the time being. I've gotten really creative. During that time, one of my night plan behaviors was to sleep fully clothed. However my flesh/addict simply found a way to masturbate fully clothed at night without the use of my hands. This was going to be a tough one.
It was important for me to determine why I want to stop. There are a lot of reasons floating around. Some are extrinsic motivators as described below.
Extrinsic motivators
God abhors it.
My wife hates it.
It's disgusting.
It's gross.
It's sick.
It's perverted.
It's immoral.
It's wrong.
It's sinful.
It will make my palms hairy.
It will damage my penis.
It's worship of the Devil.
I have to be perfect.
It will impress others.
The SA program renounces it.
My church renounces it.
I will go blind.
I'm fantasizing about someone's daughter.
Now, some of these may be noble reasons to stop masturbating. For instance, pleasing God is a noble reason to stop. Pleasing my wife may also be a noble reason to stop. However, neither one of these reasons are sufficient enough to get my soul to choose to stop. Some of these reasons are simply lies. I still refuse to believe that masturbation should be interpreted as worship of the devil. Even if it is, holding that view won't help me one bit.
What my soul needs are reasons that truly speak to the heart. Ones that make sense to the soul. Maybe a little selfish, but as long as my soul believes in these intrinsic motivators below, I stand a better chance.
Intrinsic Motivators
The fantasies in my head while masturbating depict a woman more magical than depicted in any pornography I've ever seen. That makes it, for me, counterfeit sex. Although there is no guarantee that I will ever have genuine sex or love in my life, using counterfeits is not going to get me anywhere. It is a guaranteed failure.
I want to embrace more the idea that sex is a privilege and an option as opposed to a need.
Sexual release via masturbation tends to nurture my female side. And I want to embrace my masculine side more.
I want to give myself more opportunities to feel my feelings. My flesh/addict is terrified of certain feelings and will use sexual acting out to run away from them. It has severely impacted all of my relationships. When I'm feeling a sexual urge, I'm never considering the fact that I'm just numbing my feelings. I'm just looking forward to the narcotic feeling that sexual acting out brings. I'm like a junk food addict whose body craves junk food constantly, but actually, deep down inside, needs healthy nourishment. I constantly crave sexual acting out thinking that it is all I need. But actually, deep down inside, I need to allow my true feelings to come out.
My addiction was there to help me cope with the pain I was dealing with when I was young. At times, I've created and allowed painful situations to provide the excuse and entitlement to act out. As an adult, I am no longer defenseless, and my life is not characterized by pain. For the first time in my life, I am safe. My soul needs to understand this more.
I want to embrace a more realistic view of women and relationships.
Masturbation has stopped working as a sleeping pill, and the release I'm getting from it is becoming more temporary.
I want to challenge and nudge myself into doing other dopamine stimulating behaviors such as working out and, worshiping while singing and playing the guitar, instead of using masturbation to “shoot myself up with dope†and remaining passive.
I want to challenge and nudge myself into getting support from God, family, and friends instead of sexualizing this need by using masturbation and remaining isolated.
I want to be more content with my life and demonstrate a more complete love for myself without needing that “magic lady†to make me feel better and provide me validation.
I'm already sexually anorexic with my wife, allowing masturbation in my life will just make it that much more difficult to work on that area of my life.
With the new technology of smart phones, tablets, TV, cable, streaming video, it's virtually just as easy to act out with pornography as with masturbation. Physical boundaries to keep porn inaccessible at home or the workplace just don't seem to work like they did before. Hence, when I do porn, I will masturbate. When I masturbate, I end up viewing porn. Each one is so accessible that one triggers the other and vice versa.
I want to concentrate more on what I do have; to appreciate, develop, and exercise the many gifts that God has given me, as opposed to feeling sorry and pitiful for what I don't have, things that masturbation tends to remind me of. I do not want to become a “dry drunkâ€. I want to focus on positive acceptance and enjoyment of the life that God gave me in any situation.
The challenge to stop masturbation is extremely difficult, but also can be very rewarding. I will share my experiences with that on a later post.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 26, 2015 22:43:33 GMT -7
I'm sober 23 days now. The love dare challenges me to start praying for my wife.
Thank you, Lord, for her. Thank you for carrying me through this journey.
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