Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2014 6:32:54 GMT -7
To be fair to you and help you understand my situation, you should know that I am a Christian and am a certified hypnotherapist. I stopped my practice about 16 years ago. My husband (who was never a client), did tell me prior to our marriage that he had a past history of struggling with porn, and I thought I was strong enough to live with his past. He was in recovery and my life has been plagued with sexual perversions since I was a small child. Everyone had some bones in the closet. I didn't want to judge him on something he was dealing with. Although, one assumes that becoming an adult being and able to make decisions for yourself, will allow you to put an end to the perversions, that's not necessarily the case. My first husband had an addiction to porn, which he never would admit was a problem, and it led to divorce. My current husband was upfront, for that I do give him credit. I did know what I was getting into.
For starters it may help all of you to know that the subconscious mind never ages, and everything is in the present, there is no past or future. I don't want to talk about that now , but I want you to be aware.
Here's how it went for us. My husband and I both worked for a major airline that went bankrupt after 9/11. 9/11 was not the cause of the bankruptcy, poor management was the cause. I eventually left after my hours were cut by 50% and pay cut by 30%. My husband was furloughed for 7 years. Our stress started before the downturn in the economy. I started a business and did quite well after a couple of years, my husband did find work but the pay was not near what he had made at the airlines, he missed his line of work, hated the new jobs and job-jumped for several years. All in all, we had seven years of constant stress that also included the loss of all four of our parents in a 5 year span. With so much to take care of just to keep things afloat (Oh, yes, the airline also went to court and took back 50% of our pensions, and our stock was worthless), we had little quality time, and during conversations, my husband would begin to "drift". While I told myself he was mentally exhausted, I suspected he was watching porn again. On confrontation, there was always denial. He claimed to not know why he was getting provocative pop-up ads. Lot's of quickies. Well, you know all the signs, they were all there.
Because we were so busy, taking care of ourselves went on the back burner. Having just gone through menopause, I began to experience vaginal dryness and thinning of the walls which then led to tarring and very painful quickies until it got so painful that we could no longer have sex. Now, at the time I did not know about the thinning but later learned of the safest drug to correct the problem.
About this time, my husband learned that his job at the airlines was available to him, but he would need to go to California for about six months, and then he could transfer to Florida. It mad no sense for me to pack up everything and go to Cali to then have to pack it again in sex months to go to Florida. So we agreed that I would close my biz and go directly to Florida while he went to Cali. and he would fly home on weekends. He lived in a hotel for two months and then rented a room (Yep, you guessed it).
A year later, while visiting his cousin in Canada, he swiped his phone, and a video was being displayed write there at the dining room table, in front of me and his family. NO details of course but he quickly shut it down, and that night, in the guest room, I searched histories on the phone, broken hearted at what I was seeing. It was obvious this had been going on a long time., and it was really bad. He admitted it and said he wanted me to help him. I told him I was to emotionally involved with him to help him (on a therapeutic level).
When I got home I did a lot of searching on computers and FB, all of it. He was at the point where he was even looking to see if the old workplace affairs that he'd had before he met me, were online.
There really are no words to explain the pain caused by his actions. It truly is as though someone ripped my soul out of my body and placed it in a foreign one. His double life has created the same thing for me. The life I thought I had and the real life I'd not known I was in.
So for the record, just because someone has training on how the mind/subconscious mind/behavior works, don't think for a minute that our minds react any different. The primitive mind works the same for all of us, until we catch it. I immediately felt the shame I felt as a child, as a betrayed wife my reasoning became the same as all other women. I felt the shame, the hurt, the betrayal, the uncertainty. I did not know who I was married to. I was a painted character in what he wanted the world to believe his life was, while unknowingly hiding the ugly truth. He looked different, I looked different. I was disgusted by him, I wanted him out of my life, I hated him, I wanted to know everything, I wanted to know how often and how long he had deceived me while claiming to miss me when he returned. I wanted to know what fascinated him. I wanted to vomit. At the same time I needed to be held, I needed to cry, I wanted the fake life to be real. I still loved him and I wanted him, but I was afraid to tell him I wanted him because that meant being vulnerable again.
By now I was well into the medication and painful sex became great sex that was then followed by feelings of filth and disgust. I was disgusted with myself for wanting him and I felt dirty like the women in the videos. After that came the panic attacks.
He took two weeks off work to stay in Florida with me. He was afraid I'd leave, and he wanted to build a safety net for himself. He was literally sick at what he had done. After two months the roller-coaster is beginning to slow. There was a time when he slipped and said that he knew if he came to California he could "do what he wanted to do" He says he didn't mean it that way but , I understand the reality . He has his network in place, there's a lot available for him. I have nothing. We decided to buy an RV drive it to Cali until the transfer comes through. We and the dogs are living temporarily in an RV in a mobile home park and have not sold the home in Florida.
It has been exceptionally hard I think somewhat because we are in our 50's. I may have a new career ahead of me but I can't imagine ever starting a new relationship. He's blamed my age, he's blamed TV, He's blamed, well, he's blamed everything, and while he's right, our culture is very damaged, you can't let what's outside you determine what's inside. We are all born with the ability to know right from wrong. That's our conscious.
Some people will ask, why do people pick the same mistakes over and over and I really believe that this is your life lesson repeating until you get it right. While most of the people here may have a problem with sex and porn and coping, my biggest problem has been with throwing away relationships that hurt, without working the hurt, and giving them a chance to heal.
I don't know if my husband and I will make it, because I have no control over decisions he makes. I hope he will continue to be honest and accept responsibility, and continue with his programs, and I will continue, with the Lords help, to be understanding and patient with the process. With eyes wide open, I will dwell on what we want in the future and not mistakes we've made in the past, yet I will always be aware of the present, and the dangers of Satan's grasp.
Prayers to all who are in the battle and for those who have not yet seen the danger.
For starters it may help all of you to know that the subconscious mind never ages, and everything is in the present, there is no past or future. I don't want to talk about that now , but I want you to be aware.
Here's how it went for us. My husband and I both worked for a major airline that went bankrupt after 9/11. 9/11 was not the cause of the bankruptcy, poor management was the cause. I eventually left after my hours were cut by 50% and pay cut by 30%. My husband was furloughed for 7 years. Our stress started before the downturn in the economy. I started a business and did quite well after a couple of years, my husband did find work but the pay was not near what he had made at the airlines, he missed his line of work, hated the new jobs and job-jumped for several years. All in all, we had seven years of constant stress that also included the loss of all four of our parents in a 5 year span. With so much to take care of just to keep things afloat (Oh, yes, the airline also went to court and took back 50% of our pensions, and our stock was worthless), we had little quality time, and during conversations, my husband would begin to "drift". While I told myself he was mentally exhausted, I suspected he was watching porn again. On confrontation, there was always denial. He claimed to not know why he was getting provocative pop-up ads. Lot's of quickies. Well, you know all the signs, they were all there.
Because we were so busy, taking care of ourselves went on the back burner. Having just gone through menopause, I began to experience vaginal dryness and thinning of the walls which then led to tarring and very painful quickies until it got so painful that we could no longer have sex. Now, at the time I did not know about the thinning but later learned of the safest drug to correct the problem.
About this time, my husband learned that his job at the airlines was available to him, but he would need to go to California for about six months, and then he could transfer to Florida. It mad no sense for me to pack up everything and go to Cali to then have to pack it again in sex months to go to Florida. So we agreed that I would close my biz and go directly to Florida while he went to Cali. and he would fly home on weekends. He lived in a hotel for two months and then rented a room (Yep, you guessed it).
A year later, while visiting his cousin in Canada, he swiped his phone, and a video was being displayed write there at the dining room table, in front of me and his family. NO details of course but he quickly shut it down, and that night, in the guest room, I searched histories on the phone, broken hearted at what I was seeing. It was obvious this had been going on a long time., and it was really bad. He admitted it and said he wanted me to help him. I told him I was to emotionally involved with him to help him (on a therapeutic level).
When I got home I did a lot of searching on computers and FB, all of it. He was at the point where he was even looking to see if the old workplace affairs that he'd had before he met me, were online.
There really are no words to explain the pain caused by his actions. It truly is as though someone ripped my soul out of my body and placed it in a foreign one. His double life has created the same thing for me. The life I thought I had and the real life I'd not known I was in.
So for the record, just because someone has training on how the mind/subconscious mind/behavior works, don't think for a minute that our minds react any different. The primitive mind works the same for all of us, until we catch it. I immediately felt the shame I felt as a child, as a betrayed wife my reasoning became the same as all other women. I felt the shame, the hurt, the betrayal, the uncertainty. I did not know who I was married to. I was a painted character in what he wanted the world to believe his life was, while unknowingly hiding the ugly truth. He looked different, I looked different. I was disgusted by him, I wanted him out of my life, I hated him, I wanted to know everything, I wanted to know how often and how long he had deceived me while claiming to miss me when he returned. I wanted to know what fascinated him. I wanted to vomit. At the same time I needed to be held, I needed to cry, I wanted the fake life to be real. I still loved him and I wanted him, but I was afraid to tell him I wanted him because that meant being vulnerable again.
By now I was well into the medication and painful sex became great sex that was then followed by feelings of filth and disgust. I was disgusted with myself for wanting him and I felt dirty like the women in the videos. After that came the panic attacks.
He took two weeks off work to stay in Florida with me. He was afraid I'd leave, and he wanted to build a safety net for himself. He was literally sick at what he had done. After two months the roller-coaster is beginning to slow. There was a time when he slipped and said that he knew if he came to California he could "do what he wanted to do" He says he didn't mean it that way but , I understand the reality . He has his network in place, there's a lot available for him. I have nothing. We decided to buy an RV drive it to Cali until the transfer comes through. We and the dogs are living temporarily in an RV in a mobile home park and have not sold the home in Florida.
It has been exceptionally hard I think somewhat because we are in our 50's. I may have a new career ahead of me but I can't imagine ever starting a new relationship. He's blamed my age, he's blamed TV, He's blamed, well, he's blamed everything, and while he's right, our culture is very damaged, you can't let what's outside you determine what's inside. We are all born with the ability to know right from wrong. That's our conscious.
Some people will ask, why do people pick the same mistakes over and over and I really believe that this is your life lesson repeating until you get it right. While most of the people here may have a problem with sex and porn and coping, my biggest problem has been with throwing away relationships that hurt, without working the hurt, and giving them a chance to heal.
I don't know if my husband and I will make it, because I have no control over decisions he makes. I hope he will continue to be honest and accept responsibility, and continue with his programs, and I will continue, with the Lords help, to be understanding and patient with the process. With eyes wide open, I will dwell on what we want in the future and not mistakes we've made in the past, yet I will always be aware of the present, and the dangers of Satan's grasp.
Prayers to all who are in the battle and for those who have not yet seen the danger.