Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2014 8:53:26 GMT -7
Hi,
So I am in my early thirties. I can remember a little sexual abuse when I was younger, at the hands of my peers. I also believe something was going on with my father, enough to where he wanted me dead when I was a child (And tried to murder me).
There's not really much else I can say that would explain why certain spiritual "Doors" are open in me right now. And why I struggle with such strange, perverse desires.
Growing up in school, I was a target of bullying, but the little girls were especially cruel. They tore me apart until there was nothing left of me inside.
So I had a deep seated fear, and eventually hatred of women, coupled with the homosexual abuse, and I didn't fare well.
I began with bestiality (Zoophilia), as my dog was literally the only thing I felt cared about me. I know it was wrong, and it has been a life long struggle, with deeply loving animals, and taking it too far.
The last time I had sex with another man was over 16 years ago. But I still struggle with the desire so badly sometimes I am shaking in my sweat. It was like I did it yesterday.
I have a long distance girlfriend, and she knows my issues. She has been very understanding, kind, caring, and patient with me. I love her dearly. I have never bonded with a woman before, let alone another human being, like I have with her. She gives me hope that one day I can love someone without being crushed by guilt, and love someone so much my heart burns for her.
But the struggles are still there. It is good to have her in my life. The thought of losing her to homosexuality terrifies me, to be honest. It's just not worth it, that lifestyle. It's so empty. My spirit, my soul, my heart, my body were all designed to love a woman, not a man. I can get away with being with a man for a while, but in the end I will be depressed inside. Dying, spiritually.
So there's a summary of me. What prompted me to sign up here was the last week I had posted pictures of my body on a popular website for gay men, and got several... interested parties. I even had an address to his house, and a time to go there. I struggled with it for days and days. Horribly at times, because I want it so badly.
In the end my girl helped me to overcome it. I said no. I told the man I have a girlfriend, and she is not okay with it, nor should she be.
I know I need deliverance from demons. I struggle with so much... Every day sometimes. Even health problems. I am afraid of the process of deliverance, and afraid it could happen again. I know my relationship with God could be better. I think it is a criminal shame that Christian ministers are too afraid to confront the issue of demons and cast them out like Jesus commanded them to.
I am reading some of the articles on this site and they are good.
I need supernatural help to kick these things, which are occasional porn use, the use of sex toys, masturbation. (Is there anything I can enjoy as a Christian? Sometimes I wonder why I have a sex drive at all!)
Years ago I tried quitting all these things, and I did for a time. All it did was make me ragingly horny (I quit them for a year) and a thousand times empty. Is... that what God wants? Then why did He make me at all? It would have been better that bullet my father shot at me to hit me and kill me. Sorry, but that's the truth. My girlfriend is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. But she is not saved. If God has a woman for me time is running out for her. I just don't know what else to say.
Deep down inside I would just like to get it all over with. Just go out and die. But when faced with the reality of death I find myself, really, just not wanting to live anymore. I don't want to die. But I don't want to really live, either.
So I am in my early thirties. I can remember a little sexual abuse when I was younger, at the hands of my peers. I also believe something was going on with my father, enough to where he wanted me dead when I was a child (And tried to murder me).
There's not really much else I can say that would explain why certain spiritual "Doors" are open in me right now. And why I struggle with such strange, perverse desires.
Growing up in school, I was a target of bullying, but the little girls were especially cruel. They tore me apart until there was nothing left of me inside.
So I had a deep seated fear, and eventually hatred of women, coupled with the homosexual abuse, and I didn't fare well.
I began with bestiality (Zoophilia), as my dog was literally the only thing I felt cared about me. I know it was wrong, and it has been a life long struggle, with deeply loving animals, and taking it too far.
The last time I had sex with another man was over 16 years ago. But I still struggle with the desire so badly sometimes I am shaking in my sweat. It was like I did it yesterday.
I have a long distance girlfriend, and she knows my issues. She has been very understanding, kind, caring, and patient with me. I love her dearly. I have never bonded with a woman before, let alone another human being, like I have with her. She gives me hope that one day I can love someone without being crushed by guilt, and love someone so much my heart burns for her.
But the struggles are still there. It is good to have her in my life. The thought of losing her to homosexuality terrifies me, to be honest. It's just not worth it, that lifestyle. It's so empty. My spirit, my soul, my heart, my body were all designed to love a woman, not a man. I can get away with being with a man for a while, but in the end I will be depressed inside. Dying, spiritually.
So there's a summary of me. What prompted me to sign up here was the last week I had posted pictures of my body on a popular website for gay men, and got several... interested parties. I even had an address to his house, and a time to go there. I struggled with it for days and days. Horribly at times, because I want it so badly.
In the end my girl helped me to overcome it. I said no. I told the man I have a girlfriend, and she is not okay with it, nor should she be.
I know I need deliverance from demons. I struggle with so much... Every day sometimes. Even health problems. I am afraid of the process of deliverance, and afraid it could happen again. I know my relationship with God could be better. I think it is a criminal shame that Christian ministers are too afraid to confront the issue of demons and cast them out like Jesus commanded them to.
I am reading some of the articles on this site and they are good.
I need supernatural help to kick these things, which are occasional porn use, the use of sex toys, masturbation. (Is there anything I can enjoy as a Christian? Sometimes I wonder why I have a sex drive at all!)
Years ago I tried quitting all these things, and I did for a time. All it did was make me ragingly horny (I quit them for a year) and a thousand times empty. Is... that what God wants? Then why did He make me at all? It would have been better that bullet my father shot at me to hit me and kill me. Sorry, but that's the truth. My girlfriend is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. But she is not saved. If God has a woman for me time is running out for her. I just don't know what else to say.
Deep down inside I would just like to get it all over with. Just go out and die. But when faced with the reality of death I find myself, really, just not wanting to live anymore. I don't want to die. But I don't want to really live, either.