Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 14:08:22 GMT -7
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2013 9:51:31 GMT -7
Hi PF,
The boards are a bit quiet, but hopefully others will join in here.
Have you and your wife discussed putting filtering software on the computer, or limiting your time online to being while she is present? Also, a prominent photo of her by the computer or as wallpaper may be a good reminder of whose your heart is. Those are just external, though, when the roots are internal.
You might check your area for Celebrate Recovery groups. They are not specific to pornography, but have a specifically Christian component that SAA lacks.
Trust can be difficult to reestablish. It may be necessary to start with simply dating, with no expectations, and considering what "love language" speaks to her the most. (There is a book called the Five Love Languages.)
Most importantly, the closer you draw to God, through prayer, time in the Word, and Christian fellowship, the more you reflect Christ, the more likely trust is to grow.
Praying for you both,
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2013 11:27:22 GMT -7
Thank you for the email - most encouragng...we have filters in place this week with Covenant Eyes with reports going to my wife to review..I am also not turnng the TV on in my hotel room while on business trips and have told my wife she can review hotel reciepts any time as they are charged directly to my business credit card...she also has access to our home cc statements...nothing is to be hidden..agree that this is internal and needs to be completely rooted out - this is my main objective and want to as deeply as it is possible on this side of eternity...I saw "Celebrate Recovery Classes" on a church sign not too far from my home - excellent suggestion and I will give them a call when I get back in town.
Trust: I appreciate your words here - especially around "no expectations". For those prayer warriours out there kindly pray for me as this is going to be key. If/when she rejects me that I will keep in the forefront of my mind that I creatd this and that she is hurting from a wound I gave her.
Love Language: Her main love language is touch which makes it difficult for her to accept from me right now (I am hopeful this will change over time) - is there any advice from wives out there who successfully came through this with thier husbands? Any words of counsel for me on how to re-establish/reconnect in a meaningful way?
Thank you again for your words and prayers...I will keep looking to Jesus and asking Him to mold my mind and heart like His own....
|
|
|
|
Post by SandyJWE on Nov 12, 2013 1:19:39 GMT -7
Dear PF...
When we talk to the ladies, it is sometimes hard for a woman after years of going through this type of thing. But with God nothing is impossible. My husband and I are still working on my issues now. On top of his working and fighting against porn, (by the way he found a group that was awesome and helped him so much with accountability and trust, we will pray you find such brothers). God started working on me after a while, through prayer, learning about the lessons of forgiveness, trust, and accepting that we (women) can't really do anything to change a man's decisions, about porn, etc... That is between them and the Lord. When I accepted finally that his decisions where not my fault, that I could do nothing to stop him and his behaviors, I let go of control and trying to change the situation. Until we all let go of control, thinking we can change any of this without the Lord, we will struggle, leave a playing field for the enemy to mess with our flesh and our minds and most of all our hearts.
I know I started learning to trust my husband when he became totally open about his feelings, what he was looking for, what he was trying to medicate, etc... He became very open with passwords, sharing his computer, receipts, everything, he was very aware of letting me know where and what he was doing. Not that I wanted to be his "jailer", but he felt it was very important that I knew what he was doing and when, so that I could learn to trust and believe in him again. He is working on us being one, no secrets, no hiding and no lying. We of course pray together all the time, but we also have to learn to share everything, and that is not always easy. It does get better over time. Being honest about how you feel about something is the first step to trust, another lesson we had to learn was to listen to the other person without feeling attacked or judged. We had to go back to the basics of starting a new relationship. A new relationship with Christ as the center helps keep the “me†on the sidelines… That is what we are trying to do each and every day.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 8:14:52 GMT -7
Hi PF,
While you would not want to impose even the most platonic of touches until your wife is ready, committing to keeping to touch that is not immediately associated with leading to intimacy will hopefully whisper of your love and commitment to rebuilding trust. It is important to me, and I think to most women, to feel valued much more for who we are intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually than physically. If most touch seems to have an ulterior motive behind it, it can leave a woman with a feeling of objectification, even though that may not be the intent.
I pray that you will have the strength to be patient, to set the normal inclinations aside, while healing has time to begin.
I'm glad to hear that Celebrate Recovery has a group near you. I hope it provides great encouragement and fellowship.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 13:46:18 GMT -7
Sandy
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me (thank your husband as well for his example is going to help another Brother) - it gives hope...for both my wife and I. There is nothing more I long to see than life in her eyes again and unhindered freedom to enter in and experience the joy of her salvation/closeness of her walk with her Savior.
It is most helpful to hear what your husband has done and the affect it is having on your relationship as you build to establish oneness and trust again ...I will use what you wrote below as part of the road map to re-establish my relationship and committment to my wife/to our marriage.
I will be praying for the both of you as well - that the Lord continues to heal, strengthen and galvanize your relationship...again, thank you!!
If you think anything else to share please feel free to write me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 13:59:33 GMT -7
TruthSeeker:
Very wise counsel.
Would you suggest that at some point to openly speak to her about this and let her know that I have no intentions in touching for the purpose of getting/recieving but to whisper love and appreciation for her?
In the meantime I will concentrate on sharing with her in meaningful ways how much I value her mind, her spiritual walk and her "person"/heart.
Thank you
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 14:04:08 GMT -7
One question for you Sandy - how did your husband go about finding such a good group of brothers..what did he use for his criteria and how did he scope them out?
thank you
|
|
|
|
Post by SandyJWE on Nov 13, 2013 1:36:44 GMT -7
Good Morning PF,
My husband would be the best one to answer this questions, we were separated when he was on his long search. I will ask him to share this information with you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 7:38:13 GMT -7
Hi PF,
If your wife seems suspicious of, or unreceptive to simple touch, you may need to verbalize your intent. If she is receptive, be sure to let her be the one to escalate or indicate openness to each increasing level of intimacy. Remember how sweet it is to kiss her fingers or forehead, or just knead her shoulders for relaxation?
She is hurting deeply, but will hopefully come to realize how fortunate she is that you have come to view your sin as God does, and loathe it.
TruthSeeker
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 10:08:47 GMT -7
thank you
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 10:09:48 GMT -7
TruthSeeker - thank you...now off to put these things into practice...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2013 23:42:46 GMT -7
Praying...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 6:44:13 GMT -7
After 2.5 years of not viewing any hardcore porn, it would appear you are on the right track. You probably should be less critical of yourself and not so despairing. I should think there are a lot of porn addicts desiring to be free who would dearly love to trade places with you. Victory over a sin habit does not generally occur overnight. The fact that you express disgust with what you have looked at in the past demonstrates a sincerity that has led you toward lifestyle changes. But old habits die hard. You and your wife need to understand this. The fact you have come to her confessing that you have looked at swimsuit pictures shows you regard any sexual contemplation of other women as wrong; for if you did not believe so, then you wouldn't feel so bad and would then not be relating the matter to your wife. Your wife needs to see this repentant attitude as a confession of sin that God forgives. And if you have confessed this sin to God in Christ's name, then God forgives the sinner and his sin. You then must now learn to accept God's forgiveness as per 1 John 1:7-9.
Your wife (if she is a Christian) is also charged with forgiving you when you seek her forgiveness -- as you have evidently done ( Matt. 18:21,22 ; Luke 17:3,4). If your wife is holding unforgiveness against you then clearly, the Bible states she is sinning. However, you need to understand that forgiveness and trust are two very different things. One can forgive and still mistrust. Your wife will probably hold onto a degree of mistrust for many years -- possibly for the rest of your married life. That's one reason to keep your distance from your brother and his wife. Don't engage them socially (weddings/funerals excepted). Better to heal your marriage than to risk any unclean liaison following a moment of weakness.
As you work at giving your wife the love she needs and should expect from a husband, then that mistrust should begin to evaporate. At this stage you should begin to think less of your past failures and move on to telling/showing her how much you love her. Because you have brought her into your confidence concerning minor slips shows you do genuinely care for her. Most men who struggle with porn would never even think of confessing to their wives that they looked at women in bathing suits. You've come a long way; keep up the good work!
|
|
