The Social Costs of Pornography

Dear Hopeful,

The videos were great to listen to! Dr. Manning really spoke to me when she addressed the impact on spouses. She acknowledged that learning that your husband has oogled thousands of women is devastating. If I recall correctly, she said most women she has worked with experience profound relationship and spiritual crisis. That describes what I experienced to a "T." When you realize your entire married life has been a lie, that you've been duped for decades, the entire foundation of your life is destroyed. And my vision of an all-protective heavenly Father was destroyed as well.

This Thursday, July 5th will mark the third anniversary of me finding the porn. I can tell you that I finally feel "normal" again, but I have a new normal, one that is not build on assumptions of honesty or trust. It's not the "normal" I ever envisioned or wanted. I'm taking 40 mg of Prozac and that has helped me regain an even keel, it's eliminated my anxiety. I see and appreciate beauty in the sky, clouds, flowers, birds, my dogs..... But there is still and emptiness, a hole. Even though I am "married" in the legal and moral sense, I do not have a husband. I've never had a husband in the truest sense of that word.

I have a houseboy. He grocery shops, clips coupons, walks the dogs, does yard work, does laundry, cooks occasionally. He's unemployed and probably will be for the rest of his life. I have a "wife" of sorts.

This certainly isn't what I bargained for.

I wish you all the best, Hopefull.

May you find peace.