Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2012 3:03:31 GMT -7
for 10 years i have been struggling with internet pornography, and for the last few years whilst trying to deny it, the addiction has come to the point where it is now seriously affecting my marriage.
What do I want to do?
I want to break the hold this Addiction has on my life, I want my marriage to be what it was in the beginning.
About me
I am 40 years old; my mum re-married when I was 7 years old, and from the start of meeting my new step-dad there was something that was not good. I was abused mentally, physically & sexually by this man, I tried telling people but at the time I was told to stop being stupid and to stop telling lies. These days’ people take notice.
My stepfather always made me repeat things about myself that he said... you are a loser, an idiot, ugly, etc and over time I started to believe him. When the sexual abuse started he would often make rude comments about my body, (I have a genetic condition called Kline Felter Syndrome – an extra female chromosome, resulting in me having breast tissue and other issues.) The hardest part was when he would get his friends around and they would use me as a punch bag then sexually assault me, I was warned on many occasions that if I ever spoke out about it then I would be sent to a special school where no one would believe me.
When I was 13 a 2nd family member started to abuse me, telling me it was perfectly normal because it was happening to others this family member knew, being naive I just did as I was ordered – later found out it was wrong. It was around this time that I started looking at pornography, not sure really if it was to escape or just something to do.
I left school at 16 and did what I could to get out of the house I had been forced to grow up in, I went to my Grandmother’s house here I lived until I was 26. I guess when I was busy with work and everything I did not need nor feel the urge to look at pornography, I would still masturbate if I had seen a pretty woman, and fantasize.
Present Day
5 days ago my wife asked me to sleep in the spare room because she had found out about my addiction, I felt so alone, now I realize what I have done, I have pushed her away. Each time I have looked at a pornographic picture I have cheated on my wife.
Thursday, 19th April 2012
I have made a positive step to getting this addiction out of my life. Yesterday I spoke to a close friend, I think he was shocked, I told him I was addicted to pornography, he prayed for me. I have also told my wife that I have started the process, yes it is going to be long, but I already have made the first step. I posted on facebook that I have an addiction; I didn’t say what is it but I asked for support.
This morning I have telephoned my mobile phone provider and asked them to install an adult content blocker on my phone. I have also contacted a support group about my addiction. I feel so sad. I have pushed the love of my life and my best friend away.
I have made a big step by openly admitting to a few close friends that I have this addiction, and rather than be judged I feel that they are genuinely concerned. Next step is telling my minister, I think one of the reasons I am struggling is because I am scared.
Currently feeling so empty and hollow inside.
Today i went to church and spoke to someone who i felt i could talk to and he gave me a lot of encouragement, telling me that i was not the only one, but i was stronger than most as i wanted to be rid of the addiction, so therefore he said by talking about it i had made the first positive step to being released.
What do I want to do?
I want to break the hold this Addiction has on my life, I want my marriage to be what it was in the beginning.
About me
I am 40 years old; my mum re-married when I was 7 years old, and from the start of meeting my new step-dad there was something that was not good. I was abused mentally, physically & sexually by this man, I tried telling people but at the time I was told to stop being stupid and to stop telling lies. These days’ people take notice.
My stepfather always made me repeat things about myself that he said... you are a loser, an idiot, ugly, etc and over time I started to believe him. When the sexual abuse started he would often make rude comments about my body, (I have a genetic condition called Kline Felter Syndrome – an extra female chromosome, resulting in me having breast tissue and other issues.) The hardest part was when he would get his friends around and they would use me as a punch bag then sexually assault me, I was warned on many occasions that if I ever spoke out about it then I would be sent to a special school where no one would believe me.
When I was 13 a 2nd family member started to abuse me, telling me it was perfectly normal because it was happening to others this family member knew, being naive I just did as I was ordered – later found out it was wrong. It was around this time that I started looking at pornography, not sure really if it was to escape or just something to do.
I left school at 16 and did what I could to get out of the house I had been forced to grow up in, I went to my Grandmother’s house here I lived until I was 26. I guess when I was busy with work and everything I did not need nor feel the urge to look at pornography, I would still masturbate if I had seen a pretty woman, and fantasize.
Present Day
5 days ago my wife asked me to sleep in the spare room because she had found out about my addiction, I felt so alone, now I realize what I have done, I have pushed her away. Each time I have looked at a pornographic picture I have cheated on my wife.
Thursday, 19th April 2012
I have made a positive step to getting this addiction out of my life. Yesterday I spoke to a close friend, I think he was shocked, I told him I was addicted to pornography, he prayed for me. I have also told my wife that I have started the process, yes it is going to be long, but I already have made the first step. I posted on facebook that I have an addiction; I didn’t say what is it but I asked for support.
This morning I have telephoned my mobile phone provider and asked them to install an adult content blocker on my phone. I have also contacted a support group about my addiction. I feel so sad. I have pushed the love of my life and my best friend away.
I have made a big step by openly admitting to a few close friends that I have this addiction, and rather than be judged I feel that they are genuinely concerned. Next step is telling my minister, I think one of the reasons I am struggling is because I am scared.
Currently feeling so empty and hollow inside.
Today i went to church and spoke to someone who i felt i could talk to and he gave me a lot of encouragement, telling me that i was not the only one, but i was stronger than most as i wanted to be rid of the addiction, so therefore he said by talking about it i had made the first positive step to being released.