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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2012 13:37:37 GMT -7
I have been lurking here for many years but have never posted before. I feel that I am at a cross roads and some thing needs to give. I have been with my husband for 27 years and we have 2 children. My husbands job requires that he is gone from 24 to 48 hours at a time. So he goes to work, and is gone for about 2 days and then is home for few days. When he is gone he stays in a motel, which averages out to about twice a week. I run a home business so I could be home with our kids with his schedule. It has been fifteen years since I woke up and realized that he has had a problem with porn and masturbation. I knew he had a porn stash when we met but I never seen him get into it or use any of it. Things were great in our marriage we were married for three years before we had children and they were both planned everything was great. Then three life changing events happened and our lives spiraled out of control. First my husbands father walked out on his mother after 35 years and completely devastated his mother, my husband and our family. My husband and his father were best friends. The second thing that tore at us is my child who was almost 4 years old was bitten by a tiger and that crushed me into a million pieces and I felt so guilty it should have never happened. I went through a huge depression. I got my son help with years of therapy but I never got any help for myself. Then several months later my mother died. She was my best friend so I was very lost and alone. Part of me shut down, my husband who is drowning in his own pain decides to dive into porn so days, months, years, go by. While I'm fixing breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaning house taking care of kids, bathing, doing homework, taking care of everything. He sits on the computer looking at porn for years. The computer was in our bedroom and I remember waking up to the sound of the printer going off and he would be printing off pictures of naked women=girls while I lay there sleeping. I would get up and leave our bed and tell him when he is done p**sy hunting to let me know so I could go back to bed. He could see that this was really hurting me but it made no difference to him. I blew a gasket when I found my daughter watching her father threw a mirror, she could see the pictures that he was looking at and he didn't even know she was there watching him until I came around the corner and caught her watching her dad. She was only 7 years old. He stopped for a short time but then started sneaking on the computer but I became really good about finding out where he had been spending his time on the computer. So years went by and I shut down more and more he kept sneaking around. We moved to a new town but kept our same jobs. I decided that I was done with his porn use. So I told him that It was the porn or me. So of course he chooses me. He proceeds to clean out his magazines and 2 porn video's throws them in the garbage. So a few years go by and I'm still so devastated that he has degraded me and made me feel like a piece of shxt... like a complete door mat. He stopped looking at porn at home I know because I put on a key stroke logger without him knowing. I know that things didn't change for him while he was away working I could tell by how things were in the bedroom. Nothing really seemed to change except his anger he seem to get more and more angry I also made him accountable with all money. Several years went by and things never got any better. Then one year for Christmas my husband asked me for a pda so he could track stuff for his job. What I didn't know was that he wanted it for the internet porn. So I got him a pda and he got me the nicest gift a pair of diamond earnings & matching necklace a very pricey gift and he had never given me anything like this before. It made me wonder why now when things aren't very good between us. Well it only took 12 days for me to find out why he bought me that gift it was a guilt gift. On the 12 day he went to a store and bought a memory card for his pda. So I called the store and they told me it was to hold pictures up to 1000. My world was crushed all over again. So I confronted him and told him you can either tell me the truth or we can drive several hours to your work because he keeps a bag in his locker for things he would need for a couple of days. He came clean and told me that he bought the memory card and had downloaded a bunch of porn. So I am still so hurt and crushed down to my soul to know that the only reason he bought me those beautiful earrings and necklace. Too bad I can't wear them it makes me sick to my stomach to think of why he bought them for me. About a year goes by and we get into a fight about how he tricked me into buying him his pda so he gets mad and smashes it with a hammer. Like that is going to change anything for me. So once again he has chosen me and this time I bring him to blazing grace he reads over it and tells me he does't have a problem he's not an addict, and he can stop on his own. So now a few more years go by and our marriage is falling apart. I have shut down so bad we are suffering from intimacy anorexia we have sex but its pathetic so now I come to a cross roads. So here we are in the present and things are bad I'm at my whits end and don't know what to do. my question is should I drive to his work and see what is in his locker he has been on this job for 30 years so god only knows what I will find. Or do I sit him down and try to talk with him without accusing him but get it a crossed to him that I want more I want my husband back the man that I married. I want him to stop giving himself to some fantasy on a page or a computer screen. I can tell he is still masturbating to porn while laying over on the job. I'm tired of the leftovers and there isn't even much of that. I don't think he realizes the damage he is doing to himself or to me. Boy it really sucks to wake up one day to find that most of your marriage was an illusion. Please I need help and advice I would love to hear from Truthseeker and DevastatedWife and from all men and women dealing with this. I'm sorry for the long post but in order to get some advice I felt you needed some back ground thank you for listening.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2012 2:26:13 GMT -7
Hi SW,
I'm so sad for all that you have been through. Since he denies having a problem, can quit anytime he wants, but hasn't, then I guess he has chosen the porn. If he will not go for intensive counseling, I don't see anything changing.
If checking the locker is what you feel you need to do to confront him, do it, with camera in hand, for anyone like the kids who question why you might choose to separate.
I hope and pray, however, that he will recognize rock bottom and finally get help.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2012 4:19:36 GMT -7
Thanks for responding Truthseeker, I'm in a bad place. I love this man and really can't leave even if I wanted to. You see I'm 9 years away from retirement and my retirement is tied to his retirement if I divorce him I will loose my portion of the retirement. I guess you are right he has chosen the porn over and over. If I do decide to go to his locker I will have camera in had. Is there any way to make him hit bottom??? Thank you for listening
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Post by mike on Feb 19, 2012 13:13:53 GMT -7
> Is there any way to make him hit bottom???
No, but you can turn the screws so that his discomfort level increases.
Men decide to get help when they've had enough pain; when the consequences and misery become so intense that they're forced to change. When he does nothing, as Truthseeker mentioned, he is really showing you that he has chosen porn.
You will have to be willing to draw a firm line in the sand that is based solely on actions.
For example, if he does not start attending at least one support group a week, and/or see a counselor at least once a
week, you will... fill in the blank. Leave? Separate? File for divorce?
I'm hearing that you don't want divorce, and we would all like to see your marriage heal. You can start with asking him to leave until he starts showing you he's chosen you over porn by taking action.
Words don't mean anything at this point, and after so many years of binging on porn he's proved that he is an addict.
Aside from all this I didn't read much in your post about your relationship with God, or his.
How does that look?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2012 9:20:23 GMT -7
Hi Mike,
Well thank you for responding. I guess I need to turn the screws so I have decided to go and take a look in the locker.
I can't confront him without any proof, so I will take camera in hand and find out for sure. I do believe he is a sex addict. I need to know what all I'm dealing with.
You asked me how my relationship with God looked, It doesn't look real good. I grew up going to church every Sunday. I believe in God, I pray to God, I go to church several times a year but I'm not active in any church. I feel like I have been missing something in my heart for some time. My husbands relationship with God is about the same. I don't know how he feels in his heart if he feels he is missing anything. I have another question, I was reading the article porn and masturbating and is it really how most men feel about it. Is is really their precious. Thanks again.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2012 7:23:35 GMT -7
Shatteredwife
I am so sorry for all that your husband is putting you through. I am a recovering addict and I had to hit rock bottom to really want to change my life. I am currently deployed in Afghanistan and while on my way here, my past came back to haunt me. Because of things that I have done before, my wife assumed that I was cheating on her again and looking at porn. I wasn’t cheating on her but I was looking at porn again. She has threatened with divorce a couple times before but this time I knew it was different. I tell by the tone in her voice that she was serious and I was scared. I have to wonderful boys and I didn’t want them without a father or a father that is only half there. And I had already 1 fail marriage because of porn. I didn’t come to that conclusion until recently. And I didn’t want to lose this one. Many times I told my wife that I wanted her and that I would stop looking but it was only to get her off my back and to come up with a way or hiding place to keep it away from her. But this time was different. I wanted to change and do what is right. I gave it all to God and started living for him. Even if it meant that I might lose my wife and family, it never was about them, it is about being the man that God wants me to be. I was able to stop for 130 days I believe it was and I slip due to letting my dreams be penetrated by Satan and let him put lustful thought and images in my head that allowed me to have a wet dream. Now some say that you do not have control of what dreams you have and when you can wake up from them. Well I know that before when I was living for God and praying every night, I was able to call on him and wake up from any dream that wasn’t honoring him. But because I had a bad day, went to bed angry, and tired from being on 12 hour shifts, I allowed my mind to have that garbage enter. It is no excuse because porn, whether it is on the TV, Computer, magazine, or of the mind, is still porn.
But because of that on incident, I allowed my mind and heart to follow it again. And I was back to masturbating and looking at porn on the computer. And then I was loading some movies on a friends hard drive and I found his collection. So I down loaded it on to my hard drive and it went crazy with it. I knew it was wrong but if felt so good. That is where talking about my precious comes in. I never called it that but I can see where it was something that I wanted to keep doing and keep to myself. I felt ashamed after doing it and didn’t want to tell anyone. Not even the forum. But that is what Satan wanted me to do. The more I hide it and not let anyone know, then he is finding his way back in my heart and getting me to back I was before. And I did what he wanted for the next week, until this past Thursday where after I acted out again, I said no more. And I feel so much better. I know that I will struggle and fight this addiction (choice) for the rest of my life but I can’t beat myself up when I mess up. I need to praise him, repent of my sins and ask for forgiveness. I’m only human and God gives us choices in everything we do in our lives. He already knows what our choices are going to be but we need to make it the right choice that will honor and praise him.
I can say that your husband has chosen porn over you and the kids. And he will have to hit rock bottom to want to change. But you need to take care of yourself and be that woman that God wants you to be. Find a church home so that you can be filled with his word and be a role model for your kids and show them that Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. Look for support groups that can help those of spouses of addictions. Start reading the Bible and pray for you to be filled the Holy Spirit and to change you from the inside out. Pray for your husband to find the peace and joy that only Jesus can provide and to seek him to fill that void that he thinks porn is filling but only destroying his life and family. It is hard to help those that are blind and believe they do not have a problem. But working on yourself and praying for him and you will see God move in ways that only he can. I am no expert and I am still struggling with my addiction, but I’m not going to let Satan win. This is just some advice that is given freely in hopes that something that I mention could help you and your husband. I will be praying for you and that God will work in your husband and to open his eyes and change his heart.
God bless you and your family.
Tired of the Same Dance
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2012 10:54:56 GMT -7
Great to see you back, Tired. Keep coming back!
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2012 22:41:39 GMT -7
> Is there any way to make him hit bottom??? No, but you can turn the screws so that his discomfort level increases. Men decide to get help when they've had enough pain; when the consequences and misery become so intense that they're forced to change. When he does nothing, as Truthseeker mentioned, he is really showing you that he has chosen porn. You will have to be willing to draw a firm line in the sand that is based solely on actions. For example, if he does not start attending at least one support group a week, and/or see a counselor at least once a week, you will... fill in the blank. Leave? Separate? File for divorce? I'm hearing that you don't want divorce, and we would all like to see your marriage heal. You can start with asking him to leave until he starts showing you he's chosen you over porn by taking action. Words don't mean anything at this point, and after so many years of binging on porn he's proved that he is an addict. Aside from all this I didn't read much in your post about your relationship with God, or his. How does that look? Mike, thanks for being clear on the first question. As far as I can see this might be useful everywhere, not only when it comes to sexual things. On your other question, just my take; I guess it is difficult to separate out my relationship with God from that with other human beings? What do you think? 1. John 2, 9-11 i.e. Best regards |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2012 22:59:46 GMT -7
Shatteredwife I am so sorry for all that your husband is putting you through. I am a recovering addict and I had to hit rock bottom to really want to change my life. I am currently deployed in Afghanistan and while on my way here, my past came back to haunt me. Because of things that I have done before, my wife assumed that I was cheating on her again and looking at porn. I wasn’t cheating on her but I was looking at porn again. She has threatened with divorce a couple times before but this time I knew it was different. I tell by the tone in her voice that she was serious and I was scared. I have to wonderful boys and I didn’t want them without a father or a father that is only half there. And I had already 1 fail marriage because of porn. I didn’t come to that conclusion until recently. And I didn’t want to lose this one. Many times I told my wife that I wanted her and that I would stop looking but it was only to get her off my back and to come up with a way or hiding place to keep it away from her. But this time was different. I wanted to change and do what is right. I gave it all to God and started living for him. Even if it meant that I might lose my wife and family, it never was about them, it is about being the man that God wants me to be. I was able to stop for 130 days I believe it was and I slip due to letting my dreams be penetrated by Satan and let him put lustful thought and images in my head that allowed me to have a wet dream. Now some say that you do not have control of what dreams you have and when you can wake up from them. Well I know that before when I was living for God and praying every night, I was able to call on him and wake up from any dream that wasn’t honoring him. But because I had a bad day, went to bed angry, and tired from being on 12 hour shifts, I allowed my mind to have that garbage enter. It is no excuse because porn, whether it is on the TV, Computer, magazine, or of the mind, is still porn. But because of that on incident, I allowed my mind and heart to follow it again. And I was back to masturbating and looking at porn on the computer. And then I was loading some movies on a friends hard drive and I found his collection. So I down loaded it on to my hard drive and it went crazy with it. I knew it was wrong but if felt so good. That is where talking about my precious comes in. I never called it that but I can see where it was something that I wanted to keep doing and keep to myself. I felt ashamed after doing it and didn’t want to tell anyone. Not even the forum. But that is what Satan wanted me to do. The more I hide it and not let anyone know, then he is finding his way back in my heart and getting me to back I was before. And I did what he wanted for the next week, until this past Thursday where after I acted out again, I said no more. And I feel so much better. I know that I will struggle and fight this addiction (choice) for the rest of my life but I can’t beat myself up when I mess up. I need to praise him, repent of my sins and ask for forgiveness. I’m only human and God gives us choices in everything we do in our lives. He already knows what our choices are going to be but we need to make it the right choice that will honor and praise him. I can say that your husband has chosen porn over you and the kids. And he will have to hit rock bottom to want to change. But you need to take care of yourself and be that woman that God wants you to be. Find a church home so that you can be filled with his word and be a role model for your kids and show them that Jesus is the way, the truth and the light. Look for support groups that can help those of spouses of addictions. Start reading the Bible and pray for you to be filled the Holy Spirit and to change you from the inside out. Pray for your husband to find the peace and joy that only Jesus can provide and to seek him to fill that void that he thinks porn is filling but only destroying his life and family. It is hard to help those that are blind and believe they do not have a problem. But working on yourself and praying for him and you will see God move in ways that only he can. I am no expert and I am still struggling with my addiction, but I’m not going to let Satan win. This is just some advice that is given freely in hopes that something that I mention could help you and your husband. I will be praying for you and that God will work in your husband and to open his eyes and change his heart. God bless you and your family. Tired of the Same Dance Tired, you talk quite a lot of satan; How does that help you in your recovery? You don't have to answer me. What is it that you want? How does it help you to achieve your goals when focusing on others, i.e satan? Sorry for being rude eventually. I might need to express myself in a more friendly way? You don't have to answer my questions online if you don't want of course. I can't see how your focus can help you.. or anybody else, but of course I am not the one to decide whether it helps other persons or not. Sorry if I don't manage to express myself in a loving, caring way. Maybe I manage later on. Be blessed! I am just trying to express myself, do something with my own problems. For one or another reason I can sometimes get problems when I read other persons posts, and I am not sure how to deal with my own problems. Then I might confront, but maybe that is not right or I could do it in other ways? It might not be okay to only smile and pretend everything is okay if I have problems inside me? but I am not sure how to deal with that... And I also don't like to be fixed. Maybe I should have taken some of these things in another thread; The things about me? It could be interrupting you other guys...? but if I don't say anything about it, I might be even more hurting to others? Thanks |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2012 8:29:55 GMT -7
Maybe I should have taken some of these things in another thread; The things about me? It could be interrupting you other guys...? but if I don't say anything about it, I might be even more hurting to others? A possible approach is to let it alone, reading it as if ended with the words, "Take what you want, and leave the rest." Then, if you or another user has a different piece of experience, strength, and hope, it's always possible to post that alternative, saying something like, "Another approach that has worked for me might be . . ." Just a thought, but one that helps keep 12-step meetings from turning into fights. Tim M. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2012 8:43:40 GMT -7
[quote author="TM2[/user] wrote: [/b]A possible approach is to let it alone, reading it as if ended with the words, "Take what you want, and leave the rest." Then, if you or another user has a different piece of experience, strength, and hope, it's always possible to post that alternative, saying something like, "Another approach that has worked for me might be . . ."
Just a thought, but one that helps keep 12-step meetings from turning into fights.
Tim M.
[/quote]
Yea, not so confronting? It might be better.
Not so aggressive
Thanks
Best regards
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2012 9:13:00 GMT -7
Tired, this is your second marriage?
My approach to recovery seems to be very different to yours Tired. For me it is not interesting whether I have one day or thousand years without acting out in a certain way. I just act out in another way, I think if I am not changed from inside out. I might act out with being angry, not friendly, self-centered, proud...
It's possible to not act out in a certain way, but still be bitter and self-centered. That's white-knuckling, I think.
I think I need to be changed from inside out, and I think I can't do that myself. I need help from something greater than myself, I guess.
For me the fruits of my life are important; Do other people see peace, joy, love in my life or experience it.? If those fruits are visible in my life, that might be enough proof that I am on the right track.
If I put the boundaries strict enough, I might fall every day.
I want to figure out what I want with my life and I want to focus on the positive and good things.
I am not saying I manage that, but that are my goals, I think. I think it is difficult to be concise about goals.
The problem with these statements are that I am boasting on how good I am? Self-centered?, Self-focused?
I guess I am afraid of boasting and so on, and then might do nothing or say nothing.
Then I might get invisible and angry. I might need to change things.
I might need to be more self-confident when being with other people..., speaking up for myself and standing up for myself so that I am not invisible and get angry, feeling not valued and so on...
but how to do this in a right way..? (just rhetorical question)
Hmmm..
To speak up/ stand up for myself might be something else than boasting and being self-centered? (a little bit rhetorical question).
To fight for my right might be something other than being self-centered? (Just a question, not asking to be fixed by strangers)
If someone wants to talk about their own life; Their own solutions, please feel free.
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2012 7:47:58 GMT -7
Hello, ShatteredWife.......
I'm sorry you find it necessary to be here, but welcome....and may you find the peace and answers you are looking for.
Your situation sounds very familiar. My rock bottom was realizing that my 23 year marriage had been a lie, an illusion. I remember questioning what was real and what was an illusion. I stopped trusting my own judgment at that point. But gradually, I've come to realize that my judgment throughout my marriage was dead on, I just ignored the little voice in my head.
I will try to provide practical advice, steps in healing, milestones, etc.
1. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. To the extent that you may be harboring any blame, doubt or guilt....push it away, throw it away, discard it. Throw it back in the Devil's face. Chances are he brought this addiction into the marriage. Chances are it predates any relationship you had with him. Chances are his view of healthy human sexuality has been warped beyond repair by the porn. Please do not allow yourself to be compared in any way shape or form to the porn.
2. THE MAN YOU THOUGHT YOU MARRIED DOESN'T EXIST. You married a carefully crafted and projected facade. You've been duped by one of the best. You fell prey to a common con artist. You were victimized. Please do not accept any blame or guilt. Accept, as difficult as it may be, that the man you thought you married doesn't exist, never existed. He is effectively dead. You will experience real grief that you cannot share with just anyone. Few will understand. Only wives who've been there will understand. Please know that the gut-wrenching pain will subside in time.
3. YOU MUST TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT AND THE LITTLE VOICE INSIDE OF YOUR HEAD. Chances are....you've known something was terribly wrong from day one. You said you have known about the porn for 15 years. Chances are the addiction, like any addiction, has gotten worse over time, stealing more and more of the man that was your husband. While you were keeping all the balls in the air, he was becoming more and more self-centered. What you have seen, thought and experienced throughout the years is real. You need to get to a point where you can trust yourself again. None of us saw this coming, but here we are.
4. STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE AROUND HIS. You, and your children, have to be the center of YOUR life. Some would say God has to be the center of your life. As I have shared here previously, this experience has destroyed my faith. If I can't see it, feel it, touch it...it's not real and I want no parts of it. Perhaps my pendulum has swung too far, but I will not allow myself to engage in any self-delusion whatsoever. Back to the topic: Live your life around you. Make your own schedule. Make him fit in with you. When I awoke from my stupor, I realized how much living I avoided because I didn't want to inconvenience him. Pfft to that. Live it. I've thrown off the shackles of living in his shadow. I realize now that my propensity to fit just one more thing into my life has served me well. Some say this is part of our illness. I say nonsense. I will be 50 in March. I'm a lawyer, a CPA and a business owner. He is an unemployed, alcoholic sex addict. Whose life turned out better? If you are living in his shadow, step out into the sunshine. It feels good.
5. Don't blame his job or life's circumstances for his addiction. He was an addict before his job took him out of town for a couple of days at a time. He would be an addict if his job didn't take him out of town for a couple of days at a time. There is no amount of marital intimacy that will satisfy, prevent or cure sexual addiction. Life throws everyone of us a curve ball now and again. He was an addict before those curve balls came in over home plate. Life's circumstances can exacerbate the addiction, give it time and cover, but addiction is addiction is addiction and it's never caused by life's circumstances. You have to understand that.
What I have recently come to realize:
God has taken everything away from him to break him and to break me. I now realize that I have no emotional relationship with my "husband" and the security I thought he was providing was an illusion. The lie Satan has repeatedly told me is "You can't make it on your own." Well, if I can't, who can? As women, we have to recognize our strength. We have to listen to that voice in our head that says "GET OUT NOW!" The safety and security that you think you have with a sex addict is purely illusory. Unless and until he acknowledges the addiction and seeks treatment with his whole heart, his life will continue to fall apart. The only question is this: Will you allow him to drag you down with him?
I bid you peace, strength, serenity and clarity in your decisions....
My best, DW
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2012 7:57:08 GMT -7
Hi Shattered......
I neglected to address the locker. Go if it gives you certainty. I wouldn't bother with a camera. TAKE THE PHYSICAL EVIDENCE. Store it safely in a secure site. Sure it will make him mad. Do you really care at this point? Yes, it will be the equivalent of a 2 x 4 upside the head. Again, do you really care at this point? I wouldn't......If nothing else, it will give you tremendous leverage. Use it.....to your best advantage. Stop, stop, stop.....I can hear you. Have you or have you not been forced to live life according to his unilaterally chosen terms? GAME OVER.
Peace......DW
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2012 9:22:22 GMT -7
Tired of the Same Dance,
Thanks for responding, I appreciate your honesty it does help to hear how other people are also dealing with this addiction both addicts and spouses of addicts. Stay strong your family needs all of you. God Bless you and keep you safe. I'll be sending prayers your way.
thank you
shatteredwife
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