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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2011 18:16:05 GMT -7
Let me preface this by saying when we got married neither my husband nor I were living for Christ. I dedicated my life to Christ shortly after we were married. It took my husband a little longer.
My husband and I have been married 18 years. One morning I had gotten up early and found a chat window left open on our computer. My husband had made plans to spend the weekend with a woman. (He told me he was going to visit a sick friend, then see our son and grandson.)
It took about 10 days of agony. A lot happened in that time to devastate and humiliate me. Finally he came to me crying, apologizing and confessing. I have decided to stay for now to support him, but it isn't easy. (For either of us)
He admitted to me had been viewing porn our whole marriage. He said he prayed and God wouldn't take it away from him so, "it is what it is". He has not found an accountability partner other than me. He did allow me to install monitoring software on his computer and he gave me the passwords to all his email accounts. Regularly he tells me hasn't communicated with this woman or looked at any porn since he re-committed to our marriage. He assures me he has not slept with other women.
Those are all good starts, but I am worried that without a genuine desire to free himself from this addiction he might end up falling back into sexual sin even deeper than before.
He admitted his spiritual life was non-existent. We have started praying together and have begun doing a devotional for couples, one seperate from out family devotion.
If he truly is ready to be free from this, I believe he can be. I want to be a part of God's redemptive work in my husband's life. I just don't want to end up a doormat either. I know I can't change him and he won't stay changed if he isn't ready to be truly free.
We could really use some prayers and I could use some encouragement. We are on week 8 of working on our marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2011 2:46:47 GMT -7
Hi 2BFree,
It sounds like a good start, but if your husband does not identify the roots of his behavior, dig them up and let God remove them from his life, improvement could be short lived. Have you checked to see if there is a Celebrate Recovery group in your area? www.celebraterecovery.com
Praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2011 4:28:45 GMT -7
truthseeker,
I had not checked until you sent the link. Thank you. There is a group in our area. Unfortunately he isn't ready to admit to anyone else he has this problem. He told me recently he wished he hadn't told me. I think he thinks I'm making too big a deal out of it. I believe he thinks he can overcome it on his own.
One of my prayer partners knows of a group specifically for those recovering from or seeking freedom from sexual addictions. She is supposed to be getting me the information.
Right now, I am praying for him to hate his sin so much it drives him to his knees before God in confession and repentance. (Before anything else happens ~ I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to keep living with him if genuine changes aren't made.)
I am also gathering information to have handy. If he comes to that place of seeking help we'll know where to go.
Thank you for your prayers and thanks again for the link!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2011 12:32:34 GMT -7
2_B_Free:
I agree with you that you can't change your husband. I think you have no responsibility for you husband, but 100 % responsibility for yourself. That means you should follow this: Love your neighbour as yourself. When you love yourself that means treat yourself with great respect and demand the surroundings to do the same.
As far as I can see, don't accept anything less than 100 respect as the rules from your surroundings. Of course your surroundings/ environment can make mistakes, but then you can confront them.
If they don't do that, you or I should never receive offences, I think.
So, if your husband doesn't treat you with respect, he has a problem, leave it to him. It is his responsibility. What you can do is to put up clear boundaries to show love and respect for yourself and act upon it. That might mean it will be conesequences for other people.
I am maybe not very good at this myself, and I might not see it clearly. I might need to see it much more clearly and practice it much more.
I think that Israel is a very good frontpicture when it comes to personal boundaries. They are putting quite strong boundaries and they protect them.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2011 13:05:57 GMT -7
Hi 2BFree,
Your husband might do well to spend a while meditating on 1 Cor. 10:13. I prayed for years for patience, but God did not drop it on me like an apple yielding to gravity. Only when I chose not to engage in impatient behaviors, not to yell at the kids, not to let our eldest lure me in to unending quarels, did anything change. It is all about choices.
If your husband might find an online Bible study less threatening to start with, try: www.settingcaptivesfree.com
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2011 5:57:53 GMT -7
Man ~ Thank you. I have a hard time working on myself. I know I need to take care of myself. And I am trying to make sure I am guarding my heart and protecting my spiritual walk. However, a lot of my energy right now is spent in prayer for my husband and doing whatever I can to support him and help him through this.
I have been working on setting clear boundaries and keeping them. I will admit it is difficult for me, but I am learning. So far my husband has been respectful of my boundaries. The couple of times he has gotten a little impatient with me, he has quickly apologized. (Which is something he did not do before. I believe his recognizing this, is progress.)
truthseeker ~ Thank you for the reminder. I will keep I Cor. 10:13 handy and remind my husband of this. You're right, it is all about choices. I listened to a sermon Sat about the same thing. He feels like he needs to rebuild his relationship with God slowly. I am trying to be patient and work with him at his pace.
We did go to the setting the captives free website a couple of weeks ago. He thought the studies looked good. I just don't think he thought it was for him. (But I have the sight bookmarked for future reference.)
He is starting to read his Bible again and we are praying together. We did start doing a Bible Study for couples a couple of days ago. I am praying God will use these resources to reach out to him.
I don't want him to feel like I doubt him. And I certainly don't want to put limits on God. But...from what I have been reading online it is unlikely he will be able to conquer his sexual addiction on his own. I am fearful he thinks he can. If he slips up he might give up on trying altogether.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2011 8:09:23 GMT -7
[user=92291]2_B_Free[/user] wrote:Dear 2_B_Free, please doubt your husband if you need to. Don't take care of his emotions. If you doubt, please feel free to doubt. His emotions are his his responsibility.
Stop taking responsibility for his feelings.
If he finds it difficult that you don't trust him, I have a feeling that he doesn't trust himself and needs other people to trust him as a substitute maybe, because he knows deep inside that he is not trustworthy.
Actually no man is trustworthy in himself, I think. Everybody can fall. All people have the possibility, I think.
So, if your husband want to use you as a substitute because he cannot trust himself, I´d say: Don't let him use you! Let him do his work and take his responsibility.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2011 1:49:33 GMT -7
Man, Thank you very much for the encouragement. I appreciate it. You have a lot of good things to say.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2011 3:45:08 GMT -7
Thanks 2_B_Free, I have a feeling that a man can only trust in the Rock, not in himself if it shall be safe, but if a man puts his trust in that, then he might be trustworthy.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2013 6:26:36 GMT -7
Hi there 2B Free,
I note that your last post was quite some time ago. How are things going between you and your husband? You mentioned a hope that he would be driven to his knees and find genuine repentance. It would appear from the steps you two have already taken together to establish a deeper spiritual connection, that he has found some measure of contrition leading to acts of repentance e.g. giving you his computer passwords etc.
You most certainly have the right to mistrust him; but part of your marital healing process necessitates that you extend verbal support and encouragement for the good track he has now taken (assuming he has stayed the course in behaving as a faithful husband should). If you do not express yourself positively, he may feel you have not forgiven his transgressions. When Christians forgive repentant sinners (cf. Luke 17:3,4 ; Mark 11:25,26) they are bound by God to move on and not to bring those sins up again (unless they are repeated). Periodic comments (or even mentally dwelling) on a spouse's past indiscretions indicates that the forgiveness our Lord has called us to extend has not genuinely occurred. Christ has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west and we too are challenged to do likewise in our forgiving.
Your husband of course, cannot conquer this sin on his own -- for no one can conquer any sin apart from receiving the grace of God. You need to be prayerful that Divine grace will be dispensed to both of you in abundance -- grace for him to detest the sin that beckons and threatens him; and grace for you to rest in the Lord's ability to strengthen him against the allurement of porn and other acts of unfaithfulnness. There is true deliverance from all sin in Christ, "...for if the Son shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." John 8:36. Your husband needs to believe that specific promise and other parallel passages that declare the child of God is no more bound to serve his flesh and sin (see Rom. 6:6, 12-14).
All the best,
RJC
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2013 10:29:30 GMT -7
Hi
I think it is important that the victim/ the offended part shall be allowed to express as much sorrow as they need and not be forced to "forgive".
If the offender try to force the victim to "forgive", it might be because the offender is still selfish and can't handle to listen to how much pain he/ she has caused?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2013 6:54:53 GMT -7
I don't see any evidence in what 2_B_Free wrote where her husband is "forcing her" to forgive. From what is related, her husband is doing all the right things to maximum their spiritual connection. He may have shown some impatience but as 2_B-Free states, he has apologized for his impatience.
Christians are permitted to sorrow for the sins others have inflicted upon them. But when the offender(s) come to them, clearly expressing their failure(s), admitting their wrongdoing and have sought forgiveness, it is incumbent on the offended party to extend that forgiveness right away. This is not an issue of being forced to forgive -- but that we have no choice but to forgive. If you will take the time to carefully read the scripture verses I have offered to 2_B-Free, you should see that the perspective of forgiveness in response to the truly repentant offender allows no loopholes to refuse that forgiveness. We are to act as God acts toward us when we come to Him and cry out for forgiveness and mercy. How would we feel if the Holy Spirit responded to our heartfelt cries for the restoration of our broken communion, witnessing to us, " I can't really bring Myself to granting you that full restoration right now. This may take time .. perhaps a few years. Let's wait and see."
No, we are called to forgive the very same way that God extends forgiveness to us. This is a basic, elementary principle of His moral law. For as Mark 11:25,26 states, if we refuse to forgive those who are seeking our forgiveness, the Lord will not extend forgiveness to us when we mess up. Therefore the choice given to the Christian in these circumstances is really "no choice." We may continue to mistrust, but in extending forgiveness, we must act in a mindset that gives the offender the benefit of the doubt -- to believe that his/her contrition is the hallmark of genuine repentance. It matters not if the extension of total forgiveness proves easy or not. It's a Divine command to do so. End of story...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2013 9:11:50 GMT -7
Hi Surreyfan, you write: "I don't see any evidence in what 2_B_Free wrote where her husband is "forcing her" to forgive." I was not writing about her husband but you.
Surreyfan: Seems to me you don't get it.
My opinion:
When someone is hurt, they need to take the time THEY need to make the pain their own, kind of "own" the pain. When they "own" the pain, they might be ready to handle it, not before that. They can't handle something that is noe their own. When they "own" their pain they can handle it as they want, i.e. forgive when and if they want.
They shall not be forced to do that. If that happens it's a new offense, and that's terrible.
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Post by SandyJWE on Sept 10, 2013 2:19:31 GMT -7
Thank you both for sharing this is good and thought provoking stuff. I agree with Man… if someone is trying to “force†forgiveness there seems to be an alternative motive by the forcer (selfish, control, etc.) And one can’t force someone to forgive them… But I don’t believe it is healthy to stay angry and unforgiving for too long. Maybe the Lord is working on them; maybe the Lord is pulling at them to move out of the place of anger and learn to forgive. Sometimes people find it easier to stay angry and not move forward in the healing process.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2013 9:21:47 GMT -7
Hi Man
I was in no way "forcing" 2_B_ Free to forgive. Nobody can force anyone to do anything. We all make our individual choices. And she heretofore, has decided her own course; and she will continue to do what she desires to do or not to do --irrespective of anyone's advice/opinions.
It's true, from your perspective I "...don't get it..." But I do fully understand the biblical perspective on forgiveness/ reconciliation. My two bits worth does not represent my opinion. Our earthly opinions don't count a dime when they stand opposed to biblical counsel. My advice is simply what Christ has given us --that's why I quoted Scripture -- that's why I have included a number of parallel passages that corroborate the necessity of forgiving. Unlike you, I do not dole out " my opinion" -- an opinion you present that clearly stands juxtaposed against what the Bible teaches. Your advice represents the counsel of men -- not the counsel of God.
Christians are exhorted to direct people into the truth - and the truth (Jesus Christ) tells us in no uncertain terms that we must forgive. Must I quote you all the verses?? The danger in refusing/postponing forgiveness is developing a hardness of the heart within a root of bitterness. As the Apostle Paul states in Eph. 4:31, " Put away from you all bitterness and wrath, and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another."
I've seen more than a few individuals in my long life who have refused to extend forgiveness to those who have sought it sincerely within a contrite attitude. Not one of those who took an unbiblical position by refusing to forgive had any peace or success while they remained intransigent. That should be sufficient reason for every professing Christian to close the matter quickly lest the blessing of the Lord depart completely -- in this life and potentially, in the life to come. " Pursue peace with everyone, and the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and through it many become defiled." Heb. 12:14,15.
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