Having done the devil's dirty work...

Gino,

Welcome here!

The problem with erasing contacts and saying you can't keep doing it is that you've probably done that before.  I certainly acted out "for the last time" in my addiction how many times?  Hundreds?

For me, it made a lot of difference to start accepting that I was an addict, and that all those things other addicts had to do to build new lives were things I had to do, too - going to 12-step meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, working seriously with a counselor to understand where my desires were coming from and how to let them go.

All that stuff is scary, but all that stuff is making a huge difference in my life.

You see, we don't just have a vertical problem with God.  We also have horizontal problems with our fellow humans, and inner problems hiding from our own selves.  Working with other people, both professionals and our fellow addicts, to deal with those issues is essential to most of us.  I can't do it alone any more than most alcoholics and drug addicts can do it alone.  I have to figure out what works for them, and try it for myself.

Is there more you can do to find support from and fellowship with others?  I think it's awfully important, especially for someone with as difficult a history as yours.

May you find the peace you seek!

Tim M.