Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2011 2:49:40 GMT -7
This came to me this weekend while I was engaged in cleaning the basement. This seemingly mundane task gave me a sense of accomplishment, and provided some time to think. What follows is the result. For those who are trying to understand "The Dance" that the addict and the spouse engage in, trying to see it in their marriages, I hope this helps.
Salt and pepper...simple, seemingly mundane accompaniment to any meal provides a perfect illustration of the progression of addiction and the predictable actions of the spouse.
When we were first married, we didn't have a proper table, only a card table and chairs. It wasn't big enough for anything to be out of reach. Nonetheless, my husband's self-centered nature showed itself even then. When I set the table, I placed the salt and pepper in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. After my husband had used the salt and pepper, he set it down immediately next to his plate, near his right hand. While this was not out of my reach, it was a stretch. At the time, I thought it rude and thoughtless, but I didn't say anything. "Why didn't he set the salt and pepper down in the middle of the table, within my easy reach?" I wondered to myself.
I shrugged it off. This pattern continued. I got pregnant, we moved into a house, my parents bought us a proper table, one that was big enough for the salt and pepper to be absolutely out of reach if he continued his pattern.
I again made it a habit to set the table with the salt and pepper and napkin dispenser in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. As you may have guessed, after he used the salt and the pepper, he set it down next to his plate, never considering whether I might like to use it. I sat there expecting him to notice and meet my need as I had met his. He stared off blankly into the distance, I asked him to pass the salt and pepper. Seemingly startled, he passed me the salt and pepper.
Through the course of years, this pattern continued, and he seemed to grow irritated that I would ask him to pass the salt and the pepper, sometimes shooting me a look of daggers. I was tired of being sneered and snarled at for asking for the salt and pepper, so I started setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers, one at his end, one at my end of the table.
By this time, the kids were old enough to be helping to set the table. As they were doing so, he announced one day "Your mother insists on setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers" as if I was to "blame" for simply wanting to eat my meal in peace, without having to ask him to pass the salt and pepper.
I realize now that this interaction that has occurred over the course of decades is a perfect illustration of "The Dance."
In his self-centered little world, after he'd used the salt and pepper, he set them down in a location most convenient to him, as if there was no one else at the table who might like to use them. I was never considered, me, my needs never crossed his mind.
In true co-dependent fashion, I sat there for some time, hoping that he would notice and fulfill my need. When he didn't, I asked him to fulfill my need by asking him to pass the salt and pepper.
My asking for my need to be fulfilled irritated him and he used this opportunity to express displeasure, so I stopped asking him to fulfill my need, and I took care of it myself: I set the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers. And he belittled me to the children for doing that.
This is a classic illustration of what I choose to call "The Dance." The addict is stuck in a self-centered world where he can't see other people or their needs. He is oblivious. The wife patiently waits for her need to be fulfilled and when it doesn't happen, she asks for it to be fulfilled. This presents an opportunity for the addict to snarl. She gives up and fulfills her own need and he finds another opportunity to belittle her.
This "Dance" has been played out thousands of times in thousands of ways in my marriage. I've only recently started becoming aware of that. This is but one example. I hope it helps others to see "The Dance" with clarity and to see it for precisely what it is.
Salt and pepper...simple, seemingly mundane accompaniment to any meal provides a perfect illustration of the progression of addiction and the predictable actions of the spouse.
When we were first married, we didn't have a proper table, only a card table and chairs. It wasn't big enough for anything to be out of reach. Nonetheless, my husband's self-centered nature showed itself even then. When I set the table, I placed the salt and pepper in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. After my husband had used the salt and pepper, he set it down immediately next to his plate, near his right hand. While this was not out of my reach, it was a stretch. At the time, I thought it rude and thoughtless, but I didn't say anything. "Why didn't he set the salt and pepper down in the middle of the table, within my easy reach?" I wondered to myself.
I shrugged it off. This pattern continued. I got pregnant, we moved into a house, my parents bought us a proper table, one that was big enough for the salt and pepper to be absolutely out of reach if he continued his pattern.
I again made it a habit to set the table with the salt and pepper and napkin dispenser in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. As you may have guessed, after he used the salt and the pepper, he set it down next to his plate, never considering whether I might like to use it. I sat there expecting him to notice and meet my need as I had met his. He stared off blankly into the distance, I asked him to pass the salt and pepper. Seemingly startled, he passed me the salt and pepper.
Through the course of years, this pattern continued, and he seemed to grow irritated that I would ask him to pass the salt and the pepper, sometimes shooting me a look of daggers. I was tired of being sneered and snarled at for asking for the salt and pepper, so I started setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers, one at his end, one at my end of the table.
By this time, the kids were old enough to be helping to set the table. As they were doing so, he announced one day "Your mother insists on setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers" as if I was to "blame" for simply wanting to eat my meal in peace, without having to ask him to pass the salt and pepper.
I realize now that this interaction that has occurred over the course of decades is a perfect illustration of "The Dance."
In his self-centered little world, after he'd used the salt and pepper, he set them down in a location most convenient to him, as if there was no one else at the table who might like to use them. I was never considered, me, my needs never crossed his mind.
In true co-dependent fashion, I sat there for some time, hoping that he would notice and fulfill my need. When he didn't, I asked him to fulfill my need by asking him to pass the salt and pepper.
My asking for my need to be fulfilled irritated him and he used this opportunity to express displeasure, so I stopped asking him to fulfill my need, and I took care of it myself: I set the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers. And he belittled me to the children for doing that.
This is a classic illustration of what I choose to call "The Dance." The addict is stuck in a self-centered world where he can't see other people or their needs. He is oblivious. The wife patiently waits for her need to be fulfilled and when it doesn't happen, she asks for it to be fulfilled. This presents an opportunity for the addict to snarl. She gives up and fulfills her own need and he finds another opportunity to belittle her.
This "Dance" has been played out thousands of times in thousands of ways in my marriage. I've only recently started becoming aware of that. This is but one example. I hope it helps others to see "The Dance" with clarity and to see it for precisely what it is.
