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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2011 14:39:10 GMT -7
I have had an addiction to porn since my early teenage years. When I was around 16, I even began looking at gay porn, and it has continued up until now. I have been looking at straight and gay porn both. My wife of 9 years recently found out. She has kicked me out of the house, understandably.
She finds it hard to believe that I can look at gay porn and not be gay. But I don't believe I am. I have no desire to date or have an encounter with another guy..I cant even see two guys kiss without feeling disgusted. I really don't understand it.
I am Christian, but know I have fallen far from grace, for many years now. How can a married man with 2 wonderful kids look at this filth?! She feels betrayed, and all trust is lost. She is still not certain that I havent cheated, which I never had. Its just been this little "secret" I thought I could keep to myself until I could fix it.
Life has been hell! I spent nearly 3 days on my face before God last week, and know that I am forgiven. There is no desire in me anymore, but I really don't know how, beside God (she is a very strong Christian woman) I am going to convince her that I have changed, and regain her trust, if at all.
Please pray for me and my family.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2011 15:59:31 GMT -7
Welcome, AH!
Two comments?
(1) Gay porn hasn't been part of my own MO, but I've met online and in real life a fair number of straight addicts who have compulsively used gay porn. Addicts of all sorts escalate, and it's common for people to start with vanilla porn and, looking for the next high, end up viewing things that would initially have seemed repulsive, including porn that does not match their sexual identities. Of course, escalating to acting out physically and not just via porn also happens. In any case, as a straight man using gay porn, you're in good company.
(2) My experience and that of a lot of addicts is that we go through a repeated cycle of using, repenting, vowing never to use again, being forgiven, and then, a day or a week or a month or a year later, using again. The claim that I've used for the last time for sure isn't believable, and it isn't one any addict can make. I can only talk about being sober today, right now.
So the question is how to quit and stay quit. To do that, we don't just need God's forgiveness, we need help addressing underlying issues and becoming new people. We need counseling, and we need support groups of our fellow addicts. We can't do it alone, any more than alcoholics or drug addicts can do it alone.
Saying that doesn't limit God's power. Struggling with a psychological illness isn't any different from struggling with a physical illness. If I steal a bag of money and get pneumonia escaping through the winter night, I need God's forgiveness. I also need a doctor to help cure me of the pneumonia. If I betray my wife and get addicted to porn, I need forgiveness, but I also need psychological help to learn how to build a new way of life in which I don't need to return to porn.
So don't declare victory yet. You have a chance to get help and make a real lasting recovery. Take it.
Seeing you working with a counselor, going to meetings, reading about addiction, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and really becoming a new person may or may not convince your wife that you have changed. But I know this: convincing someone I've become a new person starts with becoming a new person. And I know that addiction, this addiction in particular, is all about isolation. And I know I can't overcome isolation by myself.
Again, welcome! The hope and blessings that are there for us when we really surrender are beyond words. And ordinary people like us find freedom and new lives every day. But not alone.
Peace,
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2011 5:17:59 GMT -7
I talked to my wife last night and she if pretty much done. She feels betrayed and that our life together, including our being best friends through high school, is a big lie. Its only been a week, and I know there is a process, but she assured me that she doesn't think she could go back.
As far as counseling I have contacted a guy through Exodus International and am waiting for him to return my call. Its an emotional roller coaster. We are definitely separating, and I dread telling the kids in a week (they are 7 and 3). I just hope and pray that I can make steps to get myself fixed, and in the mean time her heart can soften, and see that I do want to change.
Please pray.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2011 6:22:53 GMT -7
This addiction is so painful! May you all find peace. Another resource beyond counseling that I've found extremely important has been 12-step fellowships for sex addicts. Several of these are saa-recovery.org/slaafws.org/sa.org/sca-recovery.org/They have face-to-face, phone, Skype, and chat meetings. With the Internet, one can attend multiple meetings daily, and the chat rooms have people in them who can provide support and fellowship pretty much 24/7. Those rooms have really made the Internet for me a tool for recovery, where at first it had purely been a source of temptation. One other source of contacts for counselors certified to work with sex addicts is www.iitap.com/If your wife is of a mood to attend support groups for spouses of sex addicts (rather like Alanon), the obvious links for her are cosa-recovery.org/www.coslaa.org/sanon.org/coda.org/Tim M. |
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