Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2011 16:04:58 GMT -7
Hey, my name’s Bec, from Australia. I’ve been having some issues with this stuff and wasn’t sure who to speak to…I was searching for someone I could email on the net and came across this forum, so I hope that’s okay.
I’m 17 years old, just graduated last year, and now am studying a Bachelor of Ministries by distance. I have a real passion for ministry and God and everything to do with that stuff. Although I’ve ‘always’ been a Christian, when I was about 15 I suffered with depression and became suicidal, but then God really revealed Himself to me and changed my life. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy life, but God really changed me and I’ve been seeking Him ever since.
It’s only recently that I’ve begun to realise that I never gave everything to God, and it’s freaking me out. I want to be all for God; completely His…I want to help other young women get through their tough times, but I just feel so messed up!
When I was younger, I remember having a number of ‘sexual’ experiences – I wasn’t sexually abused, but I remember being around some other kids my age who were into sexual things (I wouldn’t have been 9 or 10). Around that age, when I played with my Barbies, etc. I would pretend that they were having sex and stuff! Once I was in highschool, I desperately craved love from guys, but just on the inside, because I had a really low self-esteem. I would fantasise about being with a guy, kissing him or whatever.
Last year I had a boyfriend for about a month and a half, and we never even kissed (mainly because I never really liked him that much, I just enjoyed feeling loved). He was really physical and sometimes I was uncomfortable with the sexual emotions I had, especially after I broke up with him. I didn’t even want to be with him, because he wasn’t a nice, Christian guy who respected me – but I could feel the devil trying to get into my head.
I still have fantasies, but recently they’ve gotten worse. Sometimes I look through peoples photos on facebook (girls in bikinis and other stuff) and feel turned on by it – it can be the same with a couple of tv programs I have watched which had a high sex content.
One night a couple of weeks ago, I found myself in an extreme fantasy which made me feel extremely ‘excited’ and then I experimented with masturbation. After I did it, I suddenly felt so horrible and disgusting a dirty – I cried and prayed for so long. Since then, I tried to stop having these fantasies, but I’ve failed (though I haven’t done anything nearly this bad). In the last week, I’ve had horrible, erotic (involuntary) dreams which feel so real, some involving all sorts of sexual acts with guys OR girls. And to clarify, I LIKE GUYS! A lot. I’m NOT into girls…so this is just making me feel SUPER screwed up!!
I want to stop being and feeling this way, because I know it’s wrong, and it’s not me! I want to be a virgin until I’m married, and I intend to do that. But right now I feel like I can’t become close to a guy or be in a relationship because I need to be whole first. But I don’t know how to be whole. I know God needs to be my priority…I just feel so stuck. I don’t want to be the girl with an issue with sex.
I never thought sex was important to me, and I don’t think it really is: I’ve always been attracted to guys for who they are and their relationship with God, and never even considered having sex with them, unless it involved MARRYING them first! Then all of a sudden, I have these huge sexual temptations like I’ve never felt before! And I want out! HELP!
I’m 17 years old, just graduated last year, and now am studying a Bachelor of Ministries by distance. I have a real passion for ministry and God and everything to do with that stuff. Although I’ve ‘always’ been a Christian, when I was about 15 I suffered with depression and became suicidal, but then God really revealed Himself to me and changed my life. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy life, but God really changed me and I’ve been seeking Him ever since.
It’s only recently that I’ve begun to realise that I never gave everything to God, and it’s freaking me out. I want to be all for God; completely His…I want to help other young women get through their tough times, but I just feel so messed up!
When I was younger, I remember having a number of ‘sexual’ experiences – I wasn’t sexually abused, but I remember being around some other kids my age who were into sexual things (I wouldn’t have been 9 or 10). Around that age, when I played with my Barbies, etc. I would pretend that they were having sex and stuff! Once I was in highschool, I desperately craved love from guys, but just on the inside, because I had a really low self-esteem. I would fantasise about being with a guy, kissing him or whatever.
Last year I had a boyfriend for about a month and a half, and we never even kissed (mainly because I never really liked him that much, I just enjoyed feeling loved). He was really physical and sometimes I was uncomfortable with the sexual emotions I had, especially after I broke up with him. I didn’t even want to be with him, because he wasn’t a nice, Christian guy who respected me – but I could feel the devil trying to get into my head.
I still have fantasies, but recently they’ve gotten worse. Sometimes I look through peoples photos on facebook (girls in bikinis and other stuff) and feel turned on by it – it can be the same with a couple of tv programs I have watched which had a high sex content.
One night a couple of weeks ago, I found myself in an extreme fantasy which made me feel extremely ‘excited’ and then I experimented with masturbation. After I did it, I suddenly felt so horrible and disgusting a dirty – I cried and prayed for so long. Since then, I tried to stop having these fantasies, but I’ve failed (though I haven’t done anything nearly this bad). In the last week, I’ve had horrible, erotic (involuntary) dreams which feel so real, some involving all sorts of sexual acts with guys OR girls. And to clarify, I LIKE GUYS! A lot. I’m NOT into girls…so this is just making me feel SUPER screwed up!!
I want to stop being and feeling this way, because I know it’s wrong, and it’s not me! I want to be a virgin until I’m married, and I intend to do that. But right now I feel like I can’t become close to a guy or be in a relationship because I need to be whole first. But I don’t know how to be whole. I know God needs to be my priority…I just feel so stuck. I don’t want to be the girl with an issue with sex.
I never thought sex was important to me, and I don’t think it really is: I’ve always been attracted to guys for who they are and their relationship with God, and never even considered having sex with them, unless it involved MARRYING them first! Then all of a sudden, I have these huge sexual temptations like I’ve never felt before! And I want out! HELP!