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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2008 9:42:34 GMT -7
hi everyone, i just need to confess that my addiction has taken a sharp turn for the worst. i am not comfortable with sharing details because i don't want to be a stumbling block for my brothers on here, but i really need prayer about it. i am not feeling repentant about it and i really need god to change me. i need him to transform me and i have reached a point where i don't think i am willing to let him. i want him to, but i just can't give it to him yet. thanks, sam greetings sam, sounds as if you are at a life changing point in time. as if you are ready to surrender to sin. i too, was at that time over 25 years ago. i made the wrong decision and it cost me my first wife and family and culminated in the murder of my second wife. in between was God's hand of disciplian and ultimitely His comfort. there is only one way to enjoy His comfort and glory and that is the surrender of our self will. victory only comes at that point. that you may know the glory of the cross, peter
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2008 14:51:47 GMT -7
Hi Sam, I'm praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2008 12:31:24 GMT -7
Sam,
God says,
"I will heal their disloyalty, I will love them freely." (Hosea 14:4)
When he heals, your being unready won't stop him, for it's your very will that he will heal.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2008 2:09:40 GMT -7
thanks for the prayers and encouragement. last night, i had a huge emotional meltdown. god made it clear to me that i have to stop my struggle. i am losing this battle. i have been so weak and tired from fighting it. i really reached my breaking point. my poor sweet h, who wants to fix my problems and comfort me, just doesn't understand that i have to go through what i am dealing with. conviction of sinful behavior and thoughts, brokenness, and true repentance in order to reach the healing i so desperately need. he wants to take away my sadness and shame, but it's not as simple as that. god has to deal with me according to his will. right now i feel stronger in fighting the particular thing i am having an issue with at the moment but i must admit, i am very weak. i want to do the right thing, but alone i'm not strong enough to. what i feel like i want is god to just leave me alone. to let me stay where i'm at and not bother me. the brokenness that i am experiencing is too painful, and the pull to do things i shouldn't is just too strong. i want to be left alone in peace.... but i know the only true peace i will ever receive is from god completing the work he has started in my life. i know that i have to submit. if only it weren't so painful i think i might could do it easier.
please keep on praying for me.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2008 16:10:32 GMT -7
Sam,
Still praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2008 23:27:19 GMT -7
thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2008 12:32:08 GMT -7
still struggling a lot. really want to be right in my relationship with god, but can't seem to get there. sam
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2008 5:14:57 GMT -7
i have finally confessed. i'm not sure what i am feeling now.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2008 10:47:08 GMT -7
Sam,
When you confess sin to God and he extends his forgiving grace, the relationship to him is cleared up even if your feelings remain muddled. Naturally one wonders how one will handle temptation next time it presents itself, as it will predictably do. Do you pray for God to give you a delight in chastity, like his? Do you pray even on days when you are relatively untroubled? "Little by little and by patient endurance you will overcome ... We need especially to be on our guard at the very onset of temptation, for then the Enemy may be more easily overcome, if he is not allowed to enter the gates of the mind: he must be repulsed at the threshold, as soon as he knocks. Thus the poet Ovid writes, 'Resist at the beginning; the remedy may come too late.'" (<Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, chap. 13).
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2008 0:37:25 GMT -7
hi paulos,
yes, i pray even when not troubled. but honestly, i have been so deep in sin lately and in full blown rebellion to god that i have not been praying as i should. which of course only makes me more weak and susceptible to failure. after this big confession to god and my h, slowly i am coming out of the darkness. i am still very tempted to do my new fascination, but i am really trying to let god help me be strong and resist. alone, i just can't do it. i have to let him transform me. some days i am stronger than others, but am determined to not give up.
you know, i really have to say that i don't deserve any of the blessings i have in life. my sin has deeply wounded my h and i know that. i knew it would before i ever gave in to the temptation in the first place. honestly, if it were him that did what i did, i would have a hard time trusting him again. but god in his great mercy, gave me a man who loves me no matter what and treats me the same as before this happened.... even though i am unworthy, i am very thankful.
please keep on praying for my family and also for me to no longer desire things that are disguised as harmless fun but really poison my mind & soul.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2008 2:10:16 GMT -7
Sam,
There is no one better positioned to walk with you than your h, and it sounds like he's a brick. Is there a way you can enlist his support when a tempting thought is still tiny, still in its inchoate stage--rather than having to confess to him after a crashing fall?
Chastity is one of the "hard" virtues, one that requires a toughness toward oneself. Jesus' graphic language of plucking out an eye, cutting off a hand (Matthew 5:29-30) makes that point. A large part of our task is getting to where we're no longer pliable and subject to the whims of destructive pleasures. We can't get there without being strict and even severe with ourselves.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2008 3:44:59 GMT -7
he is working with me through this temptation and i am so thankful for his support. he has offered some suggestions that seem to help. together, i know we will get through it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2008 4:47:15 GMT -7
lots of stress & tension this week. many failures. never giving up though. has to get better one day.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2008 11:05:41 GMT -7
too many failures to count. tired of even trying anymore. really begged god to clean my heart and make me desire living a life pleasing to him. i felt strong... i felt like i would make it... FAILED!!!! AGAIN!!! so tired of failing. really angry and hurt. i'm giving up, i just can't take anymore. i purposely took my addiction to a higher level thinking it would not be as appealing as i thought... that i would try it and see it was no big deal & walk away...WRONG!!! the most addictive thing i have ever done. why did i go there??? why did i do it??? will regret it for the rest of my life because it is all i desire now. even mad at god for not sheltering me from trying it... how can i feel this way? i did it to myself. he has given me free will, so why do i blame him? there is no logic behind my feelings nor my attitude. i wonder if i will ever get the relationship that i had with him back. i know it is all up to me, he hasn't moved but do i want to go back to him is the question. sorry for my rant here. but this is the way i feel. sam
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2008 12:07:16 GMT -7
I'm praying, Sam. Don't know what else to say. You know what you need to do, that God loves you, and that your husband loves and supports you. Hugs, TruthSeeker
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