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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2007 22:54:42 GMT -7
i gave in to the temptation to m last night. my h has been having a tough time at work recently and we haven't been able to be intimate. it's no excuse for my behavior though. i am completely guilty. it's absolutely no one's fault but my own. i simply must control myself. what really makes no sense is that i felt like i have been much closer to god lately. you would think that if you are closer to him, you would be able to stand up to temptations better. i am thankful that no matter how horrible i am, he loves me anyway. today is a new day and i am going to put it behind me.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2008 1:17:29 GMT -7
last night, i was very tempted to look at porn. i haven't had that desire for a while now. i didn't give in though. i'm not sure why it crept into my thoughts. maybe if i could figure out what triggered it, i would be able to avoid even being tempted by it anymore. i also wanted to m and thankfully didn't give in to that either. i will be so happy when i don't have these struggles anymore.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2008 21:53:51 GMT -7
there have been several temptations that have come my way recently. some i may have entertained in my mind a bit too much. in the end, i did what was right. i have to keep pushing forward to my goal of sexual freedom. i know one day, i will be free and i am looking forward to that day with all my heart.
God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain because all the old ways are gone. Revelations 21:4 ncv
i love that part - "all the old ways are gone."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2008 5:59:49 GMT -7
... pressure seems to be mounting. i feel kinda weak at the moment. i am having such a hard time focusing on god... i thought maybe being on here could help get my mind off of it. i don't want to fall again.
extremely tired of sounding like a broken record. when will this leave?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2008 10:20:27 GMT -7
Sam,
If we try to push the desire out of consciousness altogether we very likely will not succeed. Freud called that repression. When we repress, the thing we're trying to deny gets the best of us and finds unconscious channels to pop out in ways we don't want.
Have you ever tried acknowledging to yourself in all honesty that the desire is there, that this stems from one's personal history and is part of onself in one's present, imperfect state of sanctification, yet is wrongly directed and so is not to be acted upon? Daily life then becomes a matter of devoting oneself to worthy pursuits in the fresh power of God's Spirit while being semi-aware of an undercurrent from the past that reminds one it's a fallen self that God is in the process of redeeming. It takes courage to say, "Yes, that's what I want all right, but it's not good, so I'm going to tolerate it unfulfilled and get on with better things."
Many alcoholics, I believe, work hard on accepting that they will always be alcoholics and will still have a daily tussle even after they've been dry by choice for decades.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2008 22:55:19 GMT -7
i'm doing much better today. i did have a very weak moment yesterday, but i didn't act on it. i think each time i resist, it gets a little easier.
thanks again for the help paulos. at the present time, i am extremely busy with a heavy workload and i don't have time to really dig into what you have suggested. when things are a little less hectic, i will consider your words of wisdom and properly respond to you. once again, i appreciate your reaching out to me in a time of need. i'm sure god will greatly bless you in your efforts.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2008 18:10:54 GMT -7
this has been a very bad night. i started off strong and determined. then i was awakened by some strange sound. couldn't go back to sleep... tried to resist. failed. enough said. no porn though. i am so disappointed in myself. paulos, i just really thought about what you said in your earlier post. i think you are right about changing my mindset about the situation. i have been trying to ignore the impulse. pretend that it is just a temporary desire and that it will pass. i haven't treated it as something that is always there. it is easier to pretend that i don't have a problem with these issues. easier to accept it as a "weak period" that will pass quickly. maybe if i look at it as always being there, i can be better prepared for the fight. at this point, after failure, i can look back and see what i should have done instead of giving in. i have neglected time reading the bible lately. so instead of just laying there, trying to drift off again, i should have spent the time with god in prayer and reading his word. i was just asking for trouble i guess.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2008 22:28:08 GMT -7
Hi Sam, Many years ago, when our children were very small, my husband was working nights. I was so burned out from a long, hot summer, (we had no airco,) and trying to keep them quiet in a small house while he slept, that I almost left. We had a few sessions with a counsellor at that point, and she asked him a simple thing. She asked if it would be alright with him, if I was struggling and needed a brief break, to come in and wake him up to talk for a few minutes, get a hug, and be ready to take on the kids again. So I was wondering if your H might agree that you could awaken him in such an instance, not for anything intimate, but for some human contact to try and derail the struggle. Praying for you... TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2008 22:49:51 GMT -7
wow, that is an amazing suggestion. i know he would rather i did that, than the other. i'm positive that he would let me and that might actually work. i will try it next time. thank you so much. sometimes i am known for not finding the forest for the trees.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 2:55:08 GMT -7
i have to say that i have been extremely upset at myself for this failure. i have been looking at several articles on the web about women and sexual addiction. i came across this particular site that had a bible study for accepting forgiveness from god, accepting love from god and so on. while reading through the different studies, i began to weap uncontrollably on the topic of accepting love from god. i have no idea why. i feel extremely loved by my family. i know my h loves me and would do anything in the world for me. he is very affectionate and attentive. i don't feel that i am at a lack for being loved in my life. i have no logical reason to have been so emotionally impacted the way i was from this article. i am left now rather puzzled. i have been a true christian for a very long time, i really believe that god loves me. i have a relationship with him, i don't just go through the motions. my faith is real. why would this have affected me like it did?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 3:32:27 GMT -7
Hi Sam, Having not read the article, and hardly knowing you at all, anything I say here is complete speculation. I also have not revisited your posts. I seem to recall, however, that you had some very difficult experiences as a young person. Perhaps it is some vestige of those experiences that has left a deeply buried uncertainty about God's love. (If God loves me, why did those things happen to me?) Alternatively, knowing that we are loved, and truely believing that we are deserving of that love, especially when there has been an ongoing struggle with the same sin, may be two quite different things. I pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal anything on this matter that will further your healing and walk with the Lord. TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 6:11:13 GMT -7
"believing that we are deserving of that love,"
hello all,
not knowing the full circumstance of your tears sam, makes it difficult to completely comment. were your tears ones of repentance or tears of joy being in the Lord's glorious presence? both i believe are biblical and may at times be one and the same.
truthseeker, i suppose i may have missed something in the above quote. could you please share the scriptural basis for the above.
thanks, peter
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 7:19:38 GMT -7
thank you both for your responses. i guess the only way to describe how i felt during the experience was like falling down and hurting yourself very badly as a child and having your mom or dad pick you up and kiss away all the pain. not really repentance and not really joy either. a very complex emotional experience. i'm not even completely sure how i am describing it now accurately conveys just how i felt at that moment.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 11:31:20 GMT -7
Hi Sam, It sounds, actually, like a very healing, affirming experience, as though it brought assurance which you had not even realized was absent.
Peter, I frankly feel like you are splitting hairs, but I will seek to elaborate and be more precise with my choice of words. Yes, "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We had not even been born yet, so Christ's work on the cross had nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God's love, grace, and mercy. Should, however, we place our faith in that redeeming, justifying work of Christ, we are then crucified with Christ, (Gal. 2:20,) He lives in us through the Holy Spirit, and our original sin nature is white as snow. Is. 1:18. Rom. 4:5-8. Rom. 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Rom. 8:33. :Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth." Yes, confession and sins are ongoing, as described in 1 John 1, but the righteousness which bridges the chasm between the believer and God, Christ's righteousness, covers us. So perhaps I should have phrased it this way: "Alternatively, knowing, intellectually, that we are loved, and truely believing, emotionally, that we are, viewed by God through Christ's righteousness, deserving of that love, especially when there has been an ongoing struggle with the same sin, may be two quite different things." There is often a very fine line between the conviction of the Holy Spirit for a believer's sin, and Satan's condemnation which seeks to undermine the believer's confidence in his very salvation. As Sam has expressed herself as a believer, and I am in absolutely no position to question it, I addressed her as a believer. TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2008 15:19:30 GMT -7
i was just awakened by a dream that i feel compelled to share. as i have said before, my uncle sexually abused me as a teenager. there was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to my having to live with his family for about a year. this uncle had a medical condition that actually made his mental capacity almost child-like about things. for the most part, he was like a normal person and you wouldn't know that he had anything wrong with him and he was such a sweet person that you would have never thought that he would be capable of doing what he did to me. i know that even though he abused me, that he loved me and i don't think that he really comprehended that his actions hurt and affected me for the rest of my life. the good news about this uncle is that before his death, he was supposed to have given his life to the lord. he never attempted to make things right with me, such as apologize or anything though, he acted as if nothing ever happened.
now to the dream. i was with him in a room and i was sad. he wanted to know why and i told him that it was because of what he did to me. i figured that he was going to deny that it even happened but he looked over at his wife and said "yes, it's true. i made her have sex with me" and then he proceeded to give her details about it. there was no real remorse in his admission either. then i woke up. i don't think i have ever dreamed about him or the abuse before. if i have, i didn't remember upon awakening. i know there must be a tie between the emotional experience i had yesterday and this dream. sorry to have posted so much in the last 24 hours, but i would really like your input about this.
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