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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2007 5:10:49 GMT -7
Actually, things are getting worse. I've asked the Lord to either change him or get him out of my life... and since that prayer, it's been worse.
Thank you for your prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2007 5:29:35 GMT -7
you know, i hate to tell anyone to walk away from a marriage, but with all the things you have said about him, it might be the thing to do. if he can't be trusted to be around your own daughter, then things are far worse than a porn addiction in my opinion. i am proud of your prayer. i know god will lead you to the right decision. i have been praying not only for him to change but for god to comfort and strengthen you. just keep your eyes on the savior.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2007 8:40:29 GMT -7
Dearest SAM,
I won't trust him around my daughter and he is beligerant with my son. Leaving him is an option, and it is one that I have put much prayer into and have fasted about. The safety of my kids is paramount to my decision. I had a dream this afternoon, during my nap, and in it my H was running from these people that wanted to capture him. In the middle of the dream I seperated from him and went in a different direction, so I would not be captured as well. From a distance, I could see him, like in the third person, and could see where he was at, and what he was doing. It was like he was in a labrynth of hallways and rooms on a hillside. At the end of the dream he was captured and I took off my wedding set and put it on my right hand, and then I put another ring, that I had hidden, on in it's place - on my left hand. I was hiding in the shadows and was not seen by his persuers. They carried him off and stopped searching for me.
I will admit... I am soon to be 45. I have fibromyalgia, and I am a disabled veteran. I'm not in a wheel chair, but holding down a full time job will be difficult. It's a little scary when I look at the whole picture. I would rather that my H change.
I will do what I have to do for my kids safety. My son has four years until he graduates high school, my daughter one. They want to stay in the same school, and I understand that, but with my H's tendancies toward anger, I don't know if that would be wise. She wants to join the Air Force and make me and my son her dependants for a few years... sweet and loving, but she would get tired real quick of having her mother around.
I will cross my bridges as I come to them, hope for the best, and be prepared for the worse. Life has been interesting, to say the least.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2007 8:50:16 GMT -7
oh goodness. i wish i had the answer that would make all of your problems go away. i do understand your situation and my heart aches for you. as far as the fibromyalgia, i know several folks who have it and i know that it can be very hard to live with. for your being a veteran, i thank you. whether you served abroad or not, in war time or not, thank you for serving our great country.
you never know what god has in store for us. it might be his will that your daughter care for you until things change. i do know that he loves you and wants what's best for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2007 8:55:17 GMT -7
Thank you, I never looked at it as my daughter taking care of me until things change. I've been the mother for nearly 17 years... the reversal of roles in a humbling notion. :shock:
D2L
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2007 3:56:26 GMT -7
i have had many temptations the last few days. i haven't m though. i keep slipping into that playground of my mind. i find it so difficult to keep images of the past out. i have also had dreams that i can't control. as i have said before, i find it a bit puzzling because i love my h and he satisfies me. if i were neglected, it would make more sense.
i spent more time in god's word over the weekend and it has helped greatly. however, i do find it difficult to talk to god lately. when i go to pray, all i can think of is how i fail time and again. i know god loves me no matter what, but knowing it and feeling it in my heart are two different things. i know our hearts can be unreliable. i muddle through prayer anyway. i really want god to remove these evil desires from me. i guess i want a quick fix for my problem and for whatever reason, god is allowing me to go through these temptations. just like gold being purified when it comes out of the fire.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2007 3:44:55 GMT -7
Sam,
Even one day free of m. brings a smile on Jesus' face and a "Well done!" from his lips. Our long-term goal, however, is not just to grit our way through one day at a time but also to reach that place of peace where wrong desires cease to trouble us.
At times when preoccupation with my besetting sin threatens to dominate my prayers I've found help in using prayers written by others as the vehicles for the devotion of my own heart. The Lord's Prayer, the book of Psalms in the Bible, liturgical resources like a Catholic missal or the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer, published collections of prayers, a good hymnal--all furnish excellent material to refresh a languishing prayer habit. Such prayers get my attention off myself and onto God and his wider purposes for the world.
The frequency and persistence of these obsessive thoughts of yours, that keep presenting themselves against your will and in spite of the better judgment of your conscience, makes me wonder whether more may be going on under the surface than just an attempt to contain a healthy sex drive. Looking through your former posts, I note that use of sex to try to win favor from a bully, sexual abuse at a formative age, and a flight into same-sex attraction, have all been factors in the deeper past. When Diane asked whether you've ever had counselling you said you haven't felt the need. But might it not be worth considering? A skilled clinical psychologist can guide one in bringing to consciousness memories, attitudes, and assumptions of which one is scarcely aware, can help one make connections among far-flung fragments of experience, and can stand beside one in the frightful task of confronting areas of one's psyche that one might be disinclined to look at on one's own. Many compulsions are driven by sub-conscious fears or shames. In other words, while the symptom of which one is aware is sexual, the taproot of the problem may be non-sexual in origin even though it manifests itself now as an unwelcome knot in the area of adult sexuality.
If you'd rather test the waters before running to a paid professional, an excellent self-help book is Edna B. Foa and Reid Wilson, Stop Obsessing! How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions (New York: Bantam, 1991). This book isn't written from a specifically Christian point of view but its wisdom is sound. I'm sure it doesn't contain any magic key but it might cast some light on aspects of your suffering.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2007 4:57:58 GMT -7
thanks paulos. i do feel that my problems are a result of the sufferings of my past. at times, i think that i am free of the pain that i experienced only to find myself weeping from a memory brought to mind. i did read a book by a lady who had a similar situation. it was very eye opening. i have recently moved and have not come across it again but when i do, i want to read it again. i will see about getting this book you suggest. i do have a bit of an issue with speaking to a person face to face about all of the stuff i have shared on this site. there is so much shame in my heart that i don't think i could bring the words out to another person. it's only because i am anonymous here that i can actually share what is going on inside me. after the abuse i suffered, i was a very scared person and felt venerable. i absolutely hated that feeling. venerability is something that i cannot ever bear again.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2007 12:04:11 GMT -7
Sam,
I keenly appreciate the safety we all find in anonymity here, and how large a step it is even to bring forth hints of one's past in a context like this one. Two thoughts:
(1) God knows it all. He was there in each situation, he saw every tiniest detail (Psalm 139), yet he remains committed to our reclamation. When we confess to him, we're informing him of nothing he doesn't already know and want to help us with. The woman of Samaria exclaimed about Jesus, "He told me all that I ever did" (John 4:39)--and her sexual past was tainted (verses 17-18). To meditate on that truth might help to reopen the floodgates of prayer.
(2) Maybe what we shrink from in confiding our story to another person is the possibility that the other might instinctively find the facts about ourselves repulsive even if s/he means to be non-judgmental. But a psychotherapist or clinical psychologist will have heard other people's stories similar to one's own, will not be shocked therefore, and may be able to offer insight based on general behavioral patterns. The profession has strict standards of confidentiality.
You're wise to be chary to whom you entrust your tale: in your case, probably not to ordinary friends, family, or even a pastor (whose training in counseling is usually limited). But the recurrent unwelcome thoughts you complain of may indicate that you aren't yet settled within yourself, that you haven't come fully to terms with long-standing insecurities and vulnerabilities. In addition to God and hub, a carefully selected professional might direct and facilitate the healing process. Just something to think about for the future.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2007 16:17:21 GMT -7
Hi Sam,
I don't know if you have come across a list of resources I put together for hurting women in the resources forum, but you might find helpful material there as well.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2007 1:54:42 GMT -7
oh my goodness! my h and i finally made love with no sin on my part. no thoughts... no memories... no bad stuff at all. it was so wonderful. i feel as though i am floating in the clouds. i hope this is the beginning of something great.  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2007 3:54:38 GMT -7
Sam,
God is happy in himself, and wants us to be happy too. Glad you've had a taste of his goodness.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2007 15:57:48 GMT -7
Hi Sam,
Cool! I share in your joy.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2007 1:58:59 GMT -7
hi everyone,
i'm happy to say that i have been doing pretty good this past week. i have had temptations though, but i haven't given in to them. the porn desire seems to be gone, thank god. now if the temptations to fantasize and m would go away, i'll be right as rain again. thank you all for your prayers.
sam
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2007 12:44:44 GMT -7
well, i had quite a mountian top experience earlier today. god revealed an attitude that had to be addressed in my life. he showed me that if i kept heading down the path i was on that it would only lead to destruction. he had been telling me for a while but i chose to ignore it, i thought i could deal with it under my own power, but it only got worse. i admit that the steps to giving this attitude up have proven to be a lot more painful than expected. i trust that since he allowed me to have this issue, that he will equip me to deal with it in a manner that will glorify him.
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